A Dr StrangeJob Pair-a-ball(s) & Trump

Parables and fables are stories that serve to illustrate a moral or ethical lesson. Welcome to Dr Strangejob’s Pair-a-ball(s), the Doctor’s new series of life lessons learned in the trenches of bureaucratic befuddlement. For your viewing pleasure, below find a reasonable facsimile of a pair of the Doctor’s balls gifted to him back in his university days. I would often take my balls to meetings, just to show those in attendance that I actually had a pair. Otherwise, my steel cast balls served as paperweights on my office desk, providing a visual cue for students that the Doctor was, all in all, not just another dick in the hall. holding-ball2a

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that standing up for what one believes rarely works unless your beliefs happen to coincide with the gestalt of the current work environment. Otherwise, you are branded an agitator or chastised for not being a team player. Too bad, because those doing the branding are usually just bullies dressed up in business suits.

My favourite fable as a child was Aesop’s The Ass in the Lion’s Skin. The fable tells the story of an ass that stumbled upon a lion’s skin left out to dry by hunters. The ass decided to wear the skin to the local village in an attempt to instil fear in the community. The ploy worked, at least until the ass decided to roar at the crowd, at which point the citizens recognised the ass’s bray and realised that what they thought was a formidable beast was only an ass dressed up in lion’s clothing. The moral of Aesop’s fable is that fine clothes can disguise, but silly words will eventually disclose the fool inside. Sound familiar?

Speaking about President-elect Donald Trump, I wonder if Aesop’s fable can be applied to the recent U.S. election. If we were to replace the ass in the original fable with Trump, then once Trump starts pontificating the world should quickly learn that he is just an ass in disguise. In the original fable, the ass was beaten with a stick by his owner for spreading fear throughout the community. Director Michael Moore argues that satire is the best way to beat Donald Trump. In my version of Aesop’s fable, satire would triumph over Trump who would be beaten with shtick.

Anyway, the moral of this Dr StrangeJob Pair-a-ball is that a person can have balls without being a dick, but a person who is a dick is still a dick whether or not they have any balls.

Dr. StrangeJob

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PD and a pain in the ass employee

Here is a work shit file entry from 1992 that verifies what you may have already suspected – Dr StrangeJob has a history of being a pain in the ass employee.

It was personal development (PD) request time at the office. The annual event would commence with an all points bulletin asking employees to submit PD preferences and end with the boss’s buddies being approved for free travel away from the office. It may have been my perception, but the selection criteria appeared more related to who you know, rather than what you need to know. As a lark, I submitted the following request for training.

To: Supervisor at the time
From:  Dr StrangeJob’s alias at the time
Date: 27 March 1992
Subject: Strengthening Your Business Writing Skills
——————————————————————————————————————————-
Attached is an outline for a course entitled Strengthening Your Business Writing Skills. Although adequate in this area, I feel that I could increase my efficiency in this skill by taking this particular course.

Kindly keep this in mind as you consider your plans for staff training for 1992. Wit dis course me thinks dat me could do mor better reports fo youse.

cc: Boss’s boss at the time

Yes, I actually submitted the above to my supervisor. My request was not approved, but I did enjoy a quiet week at the office when the boss and their buddies were away on a training course.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Bullshit, brown nosing, and the other 3%

We all know that knowledge, hard work, and attitude are key attributes of success, at least that is what they preach to us in school. Unfortunately, it is not until we spend time in the real world that we discover that all in not fair when it comes to succeeding in the workplace. Here is a mathematical exercise that verifies what I had always suspected – bullshit is a better indicator of success than knowledge, hard work, or attitude.

Begin by assigning each letter of the alphabet a consecutive number ranging from 1 through 26 (A=1, B=2, C=3 … Z=26). Next, apply the numerical code to each letter of a known success indicator, sum the results, and calculate our Percent Indicator of Immediate Success (PISS) score. The higher the PISS score, the greater chance of workplace success. Let’s start by calculating PISS scores for the success indicators of knowledge, hard work, and attitude.

KNOWLEDGE= 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

HARD WORK= 8+1 +18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

ATTITUDE= 1 +20+20+9+20+21 +4+5 = 100%

Knowledge, hard work, and attitude produce perfect or near perfect PISS scores. This is great news and supports what we have been schooled to believe. Unfortunately, there are other, not so positive, success indicators that have proven to be even more effective indicators of workplace success.

BULLSHIT=2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

That’s right; bullshit gives you that little extra chance of success. Sure, it may seem like a pissy way to get ahead in the workplace, but I guess it could be worse.

A bit of a side rant. The initial source for this post was an old acetate from my work shit files circa 2001. I would often use the overhead as an icebreaker in my university course, until a student took offence to her instructor saying BULLSHIT in class. Apparently, some find the word BULLSHIT to be rather offensive. So much so, I was recently censored for using BULLSHIT on a local community website. Hell, you’d think I was using one of the seven dirty words that you are not supposed to use in the media.

Back to the blog. There was no source listed on the acetate from my work shit file, but an online search did turn up a reference by Gerry Rachar that took the formula a few steps further. According to Gerry, ass kissing is even more efficient that bullshitting.

ASS KISSING=1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

Perhaps I was correct in earlier posts when I discussed the impact of brown-nosing and the brown-nose nose-diving effect. Still, it’s too bad we can’t just tell the bullshitters and brown-nosers of the world to PISS off, because, just like at the office, they have the numbers on their side.

There is a positive side to this discussion. According to Gerry’s calculations, youth and exuberance (206%) will always overcome old age and treachery (153%). There may be hope for us after all. Until then, keep your shorts dry and your PISS scores below 101%.

Dr. StrangeJob

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