“Thanks for travelling all the way to Donkin Donuts for today’s special meeting,” says Dr StrangeJob. “I’m on recon for our pending mission on unsafe mining conditions, so I thought a field trip would lighten the group’s mood and get us out of the pits.”
“Well next time, count me out,” grumps Miss Mackie. “Police pulled me over on the way and gave me 39 safety citations for the car.”
“Are you still driving that old Ford Pinto?” asks StrangeJob. “Didn’t those cars have a problem with exploding fuel tanks?
“You got a car that blows up!” exclaims Psycho Sam. “Cool, can I get a drive home with you?”
“Don’t be silly,” replies Miss Mackie. “Who in their right mind would put themselves in an exploding chamber without proper safety protection?”
“What did they cite you for?” asks Madi.
“Minor things,” says Mackie, “no emergency brake, leaking radiator, no seatbelts, missing spare tire, lost documentation, and a few other safety issues that didn’t stop me from getting here.”
“So, you are driving an unsafe vehicle, a potential health hazard for passengers!” quips Zippy.
“Well, when you say it like that, yes,” replies Mackie, “but that didn’t stop you from hitching a free ride.”
“You’re lucky they didn’t revoke your permit,” says Madi.
“Permit? inquires Mackie. “That’s just government cover your ass paperwork. Besides I drive too fast to get rear ended anyway.”
“Let’s get back on topic,” says StrangeJob. “Today’s special meeting was called to present the inaugural InComps Member of the Year Award. I am proud to present the award to my little brother, Psycho Sam.”
“Psycho Sam?” questions Zippy.
“I didn’t apply for any award,” says Psycho Sam.
“NEPOTISM!” exclaims Madi. “What was the selection process for this award?”
“Was seniority counted as a factor in the selection process?” asks Miss Mackie.
“Didn’t you get Dan’s memo?” StrangeJob asks, bewildered. “I had Dan send the group a note highlighting the seriousness of Psycho Sam’s next mission. The award is an incentive to encourage Sam to accept the mission.”
“Well, we all received a stupid PowerPoint attachment from Dan,” snarks Madi, “but nobody pays attention to his boring PowerPoints. Next, you will be giving him the communicator of the year award. Hell, you might as well just pat yourself on the back.”
“Ok, it’s fess up time,” says StrangeJob, deciding to come clean with the group. “We weren’t arrested at KaleFest 2017 only because I made a deal with Ms Lied-Toomey. CBRM will not pursue charges against Andre Le Pouce Vert, and have also agreed to return the thumb drive I left at City Hall.”
“What’s our side of the deal?” asks Madi.
“Well, that’s where Psycho Sam comes in,” explains StrangeJob. “It appears that Ms. Lied-Toomey, a huge Outlander fan, was impressed with the security footage of Psycho Sam at KaleFest 2017. All she wants in return is a date with Sam.”
“I don’t do dates!” exclaims Psycho Sam.
“I’ll do it if he doesn’t,” interjects Zippy.
“Sorry Zippy, Ms. Lied-Toomey was clear that she wants Sam, I mean she really, really wants Sam!” says StrangeJob.
“Does anyone have a picture of Ms. Lied-Toomey?” asks Psycho Sam.
“You can’t just send him on a date without any support,” says Madi.
“Well, I thought of that,” says StrangeJob. “I discussed training options with a teacher who recommended an online place called Duck University. Duck U has a certificate in Lifestyle Coaching that might be helpful.”
“Duck U?” asks Miss Mackie. “Is that the place selling bird courses on DVD for teachers to upgrade their licence? I don’t want anything to do with that outfit.”
“No, Duck U is the sister university of that one,” says StrangeJob. “Duck U has a co-op option, and I am arranging to have an intern from their Lifestyle Coach certificate do a work placement with Sam.”
“Can I get a copy of the DVDs?” asks Zippy.
“Let me get this straight,” says Madi. “You are getting a Duck U intern to help Psycho Sam with a date!”
“Duck University Intern?” puzzles Zippy. “Sam needs a DUI to go on a date?”
“And you question my driving!” says Miss Mackie. “I never had a DUI! The occasional glass of wine, but never a DUI.”
Psycho Sam, looking more panicked, shouts, “Maybe I don’t want to date Ms. Lied-Toomey!”
“Don’t worry Sam,” consoles Dr StrangeJob. “You know I wouldn’t ask you to do anything that I would not do myself. It’s just a date. The DUI will help, and Alan ‘Fritz’ Smithee said he would hook you up so we can communicate as necessary.”
“You mean I am going to be hot?” asks Psycho Sam.
“Well, Sam, that’s the general idea,” chuckles StrangeJob, “but just to be sure, I ordered the first two seasons of Outlander for you to binge watch as homework.”
Meanwhile, back in her Outlander décor bedroom, Ms. Lied-Toomey develops plans for a CBRM Outlander Theme Park. Situated in a refurbished P3 school, the Park will target cruise ship visitors while mining Federal and Provincial funds. It will be an easy sell. Early projections suggest the need for a third birth just for the additional cruise ship traffic, and, besides, it’s not like the Mayor has ever had trouble coercing Council into supporting an outlandish project.
“So, little brother, will you accept the date, or do I tell mom who really stole her kale?” asks StrangeJob.
… to be continued
Competence is our final frontier. Join the farce and support the journey of the CBLA-InComps. Their mission: to expel incompetence, to seek out the competent, and to boldly go where Caper heroes have gone before. We are legion. We know who you are. We are going to the Legion.