‘Twas the night before Caper Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the poorhouse
Not a politician was caring – not a photo op to boast.

The liberal entitlements were shining so bright,
The tories were preaching brimstone to the right,
While dippers stopped singing because they no longer know jack,
And the greens forgot it’s all foods that poor stomachs lack.

But there may be hope for Capers yet:
The NSEF fight for equality to make politicians regret,
The CBUP started a party to also cause fret,
CB Talkback discusses real issues of plight,
While Mary and The Spectator show us the light,
As the three wise women on Council help us unite.

While some wear hearts on their sleeves to show us what might,
Many waste efforts in rant rooms so trite,
As others gale and ward off the blight.
Heck, even StrangeJob occasionally gets it right.

As politicians continue to feed at the trough,
And bureaucrats’ reports amount to mere scoff,
Let us this Holiday enjoy what we might,
But keep focused on those not supporting our plight.

To the voters of Cape Breton politicians owe
Their support for the Island above partisan show.
If you use trickle-down as your guiding economic light,
Then expect to look for a new job next election night.

Happy Holidays

Dr. StrangeJob

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Russians interfere in Cape Breton provincial election!

I knew my election campaign was in trouble on election day when I noticed that my name was not on the ballot for Premier of Cape Breton. First, they shut me out of the CBRM mayoralty race and now this! Apparently, it’s quite alright to leave a candidate’s name on the ballot even if their party has disowned them, or to also allow somebody to temporarily vote for nobody, but hey, try to protect Cape Breton from those Halifax bureaucrats and you’re toast. What a travesty.

Who to blame for this miscarriage of justice? Perhaps I should follow the lead of defeated Cabinet Minister Joanne Bernard and blame puppies and rainbows. Heck, I might as well blame the Russians. Come to think of it: maybe it was the Russians. After all, the sinister forces at play in NS politics have striking similarities to the US presidential election.

Do you remember staying up late watching the US presidential election? You probably went to bed assured that Clinton was the victor but woke to discover that Trump was the new president. That was the Russians. Same thing happened here. We went to bed with the NDP holding a balance of power and woke up to a Liberal majority. Those sneaky Russians fixed both the US and the Nova Scotia elections while we slept.

Still, I would like to thank the 2,123 constituents forced to spoil their ballot because Dr. StrangeJob’s name was not on the list. Fortunately, my campaign team managed to get the word out to my remaining voter base in time to save them the trouble of actually showing up to vote. Too bad though, because Dr. StrangeJob would be the new Premier if his 345,267 dedicated followers had actually shown up to vote.

That is correct, 345,267 eligible voters (46.12% of potential voters) did not cast a ballot.

In contrast, the Liberals received a measly 158,384 votes.

So there you have it, a Liberal majority government supported by roughly 21% of the province’s eligible voters because Dr. StrangeJob was not on the ballot.

Some of the local Cape Breton races were real nail-biters. Did you notice that Liberal incumbents Geoff Maclellan and Derek Monbouquette were poised to lose their seats until well after midnight? That’s right, the Russians managed to turf three liberal incumbents and scare the bejesus out of MacLellan and Mombourquette while many of us slept soundly thinking we were free from Bill 75 and Bill 148.

Democracy spoke and a message was sent, but was it received? All newly elected Cape Breton MLAs, regardless of party, should heed that warning. Capers, descendants of coal miners, steel workers, and labourers, are upset with the state of our economy, health care and education systems. Politicians need to remember where they came from, who their constituents are, and support our island rather than Halifax centric policies. Otherwise, they may find yourself going to bed late one evening dreaming of puppies and rainbows only to wake with a rabid pack of pit bulls and chain-lightning striking at your heels.

Dr. StrangeJob vows to defend the 79% of eligible voters that did not directly support the new government. In fact, I already have a plan for my next campaign. It is too early to make these plans public, but suffice it to say that in Canada, a premier represents the head of government for a province or territory and the word premier is a synonym for Prime Minister.

Dr. StrangeJob is a satirical blogger, former systems analyst, retired educator, social activist, creator of Incompetents Anonymous, and interim-leader of the CBLA-InComps.

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American Psycho – The Trump Connection

In this installment of Satirical Knights Live (SKL), the Doctor had planned an interview with Patrick Bateman of American Psycho fame. Readers will recall that Patrick, as played by Christian Bale, was a New York investment banker in the 80’s. Patrick was also a narcissist who was equally at home with mergers and acquisitions as he was with murders and executions. I scheduled an interview with Patrick, but he cancelled at the last minute mumbling something about returning videotapes and an inappropriate font style on my forwarded business card.

Not to be daunted, I set my sights on the lovely Mila Kunis of American Psycho II: All American Girl. Not much luck there either. Actually, to be honest, the Doctor cancelled out on this one. Any actor with the audacity to murder Canadian icon William Shatner deserves no free press. Really, this psycho killed Captain James T. Kirk.

Where can you find an American Psycho when you need one? The Doctor went back to his initial source material in search of a replacement psycho and discovered a most intriguing easter-egg at the 16:00 minute mark of American Psycho. In the scene, Patrick is in a taxi making small talk with his date when he suddenly glances through the cab window and asks excitedly, “Is that Donald Trump’s car?”

Donald Trump and American Psycho! These two characters actually know each other. If you don’t believe me, then check out the photo of American Psycho and Christian Bale. Wait, it gets better. Using the “psycho” connection and his intrepid google skills, the Doctor quickly unearthed the 2015 soon-to-be-classic American Psycho 3 starring Donald Trump. That’s right, Donald Trump has already been memorialized on film as a true American Psycho.

It doesn’t stop there. Film critic and trivia extraordinaire, Dr. StrangeJob, found an even more intriguing connection between the original American Psycho and the Trumpster in the guise of Johnny Depp. Prior to the original version of American Psycho, Johnny Depp was in talks with director Stuart Gordon, of Re-Animator fame, to direct Depp in a black-and-white X-rated version of American Psycho. That collaboration never happened, but Depp recently portrayed Donald Trump in Funny or Die’s “Donald Trump’s the Art of the Deal: The Movie”. As a side note, if anyone can re-animate that hair, then it would be Stuart Gordon.

Donald Trump has quite the history with psychotics and it goes back generations. Hell, even the Alfred Hitchcock’s Trump Syndrome makes a connection between Trump and Hitchcock’s 1960 classic film Psycho. How is it going to end? The Horror! The Horror!

Clarence Darrow was famously quoted as saying, “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could be president; I’m beginning to believe it.” Let’s pray he was not right. Speaking of praying, I started this post discussing Christian Bale’s good role in the movie American Psycho, but will end it with the hope that all good Christians bail on the star of American Psycho III.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Tax season and the Sweet FA: 30 cents return on the dollar.

It’s tax season in Canada and many of the Doctor’s trusting followers are currently debating the pros and cons of Registered Retirement Saving Plans (RRSP) versus Tax-Free Savings Accounts (TSFA). As an alternative to RRSPs and TSFAs, Dr. StrangeJob is proud to introduce Dr. StrangeJob’s Sweet Financial Assets (DSSFA) or Sweet FAs for short. Built on the traditional capitalist model, Sweet FAs are designed to allow you, the worker, to freely support me, the capitalist, by giving me access to your money for my personal benefit. Sure, there are potential benefits to the Sweet FA purchaser, but similar to most capitalistic endeavors, there is little or no financial danger to the Sweet FA holder. The Doctor is banking on it.

Simplistic in design, DSSFAs allow the Sweet FA bearer to spend other people’s money while carefully deferring all financial loses back to the initial investor. If this concept is hard to grasp, then do a quick review of your current stock portfolio and you will get the picture. So, how do Sweet FAs actually work? Simple, all the buyer needs to do is send Dr. StrangeJob their cash and he will take care of the rest. “But wait! What’s in it for me?” you ask. Well, here’s the pitch: for every dollar you send Dr. StrangeJob, he will GUARANTEE you a 30 cent return. That’s right, for every dollar you send the Doctor, he promises to return 30 cents (certain conditions apply).

As a special incentive for my American supporters, you are welcome to send all available cash to Dr. StrangeJob using your existing USD currency. As a special-special bonus, the Doctor will not charge the standard currency conversion costs and still guarantee the 30 cent return (CAD) on each USD dollar contributed. Now that’s a Sweet FA deal. But wait, there’s more! In addition, if you include a self-addressed pre-stamped envelope, the Doctor will send you ONE FREE Canadian penny. That’s right – an authentic Canadian penny just for your thoughts. But wait again, there’s even more! For every triple digit Sweet FA purchase, the Doctor with send you TWO FREE authentic Canadian pennies. Yes, the Doctor will give you your two cents worth. After all, making a few extra cents make good financial sense.

As a special-special special-bonus offer, with the purchase of any Sweet FA, Dr. StrangeJob announces the ONCE IN A LIFETIME GIFT of a FREE picture of a FREE tee that ONLY YOU can FREELY send to Dr. StrangeJob. All you need to do is send him a FREE tee and the rest becomes his-story. Again, certain conditions apply, but it is really as simple as sending Dr. StrangeJob a free tee. Act quickly, and the Doctor will send your FREE picture as an EXPEDITED e-mail attachment for FREE by just following these FREE INSTRUCTIONS.

What a deal – you get Sweet FA and the Doctor gets a new tee off time. Now that’s capitalism in action.

A special note to all of my Brazilian supporters. You are obviously too smart to fall for the Dr. StranmgeJob tax scam, but I thank you all for your continued support.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Agent 86: KAOS and Canadian Politics

The 60’s TV show Get Smart pitted Agent 86 of CONTROL against the nefarious KAOS organization. Agent 86 was perhaps the most incompetent secret agent of all time, but he somehow managed to save the day with the aid of his most competent female partner Agent 99.

What is the significance of the number 86 in Canadian politics?  Would you believe that in the year 1900, plus 86, Canada received the United Nations award for sheltering refugees and, in the same year, sanctioned South Africa for their apartheid policies?  Would you also believe that Shirley Carr became the first women president of the Canadian Labour Congress in 1986?

But if only Canada had used 1986 for good rather than chaos. Would you believe that in 1986 the Canadian dollar hit an all-time low of 70.2 U.S. cents on international money markets?  Would you also believe that negotiations began in 1986 on what would eventually become the Canada-United States Free Trade Agreement.  What if I also told you that Stephen Harper became disillusioned with federal politics in 1986, resulting in the formation of the Reform Party of Canada?

Fast forward 29 years to 2015. What if I told you that Canada’s 86 richest people currently own more wealth than Canada’s 11.4 million poorest citizens?  Meanwhile, politicians ply us with promises to save the middle class when they can’t even agree on who the middle class is. Senators are being suspended left, right, and center but none of them are willing to rock the trough. Billion dollar trade and arms deals are being negotiated under a cone of silence, and gullible voters appear to be falling for the old “vote for me” trick once again.

So here we are 29 years later in the midst of Canada’s 42nd election arguing about niqabs while a $15 Billion arms deal with Saudi Arabia is being muzzled. Guess what 29 + 42 + 15 equals?  Would you believe 86?  Would you also believe that the number 86 is synonymous with being fired, cut, or cancelled.  Canadians need to get smart, keep control, and eliminate chaos on October 19. If Canada wakes up on October 20 with the same government, then I will remind you that I asked you not to tell me that.

Get Smart Trivia:  Urban legend has it that Agent 99 was initially called Agent 69, but the censors thought it was too risqué. I guess the creators were ahead of their time, but I certainly hope Canadian voters don’t blow it on Election Day. Otherwise, Dr. StrangeJob will be truly sorry about that grief.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Geezers and Strategists Party or Canada’s Last GASP of Hope

The ongoing Federal election has been tough on candidates with an increasing number of nominees being forced to resign for peeing in cups, making obscene phone calls, and non-party sanctioned pot comments. What does all of this say about the quality of Canadian politicians, and, more importantly, how can Dr. StrangeJob benefit from these escapades?

Dr. StrangeJob declares himself a free agent willing to fill one of the recent candidate vacancies. Why support Dr. StrangeJob? First, the Doctor’s hair is not all that pretty. In fact, he appears to have less and less of it each day. This will prevent detractors from focusing on incidentals and force attention to the real issues of governance.

Second, the Doctor’s wild and wicked years were pre-internet, so he has no embarrassing digital footprint to worry about. The skeletons in the Doctor’s closed are either well buried or are already dancing.

Third, the Doctor pledges not to join any of the existing parties (at least not the PC party), because party membership often requires loyalty to partisan policy or dictated agendas. The Doctor’s goal is to whip the country into shape, rather than be whipped into obedience by some whipper-snipper career-politician or draconian leader.

However, the most important reason to support Dr. StrangeJob is because he is a member of the pre-geezer class. The Doctor will have strong appeal to the preeminent geezer demographic so eloquently described by Margaret Atwood in her recent National Post column. In support of this, note that Dr. Strangejob’s Facebook support base is 65% pre-geezer or geezer age, along with an astounding 88% female base (even without the nice hair).

Perhaps we need to force a change, and perhaps our existing politically-entrenched self-seeking leaders need to be replaced by a more senior and strategic group of worldly Canadians. Let’s take a lesson from our forefathers and First Nation cultures and seek out the truly wise and strategic elders for support and direction.

I am calling on all Canadians to stand behind the new Geezers and Strategists Party (GASP). Let’s not make Election 2015 the last gasp of a dying democracy. Instead, let’s make Election 2015 the first GASP towards a true democracy. We need to do this soon, because many of the geezers may not make it to the next election, or even worse, Dr. StrangeJob may not have time to earn a full parliamentary pension.

Dr. StrangeJob

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