Is the Pier Un-pallet-able?

Posted on January 31, 2024 by Dr. StrangeJob

The death of Madi was tough on Dr. StrangeJob, and he is considering shutting down InComps. Madi, his close friend, served as the group’s Chief of Intellectual Guerrilla Activities. She was also the brains behind many of the group’s missions.

Conflicted about what to do, StrangeJob asked Doc Spinolee to meet at Doktor Luke’s to discuss the group’s future. Spinolee is a retired professor and the intellectual leader of the group. Spinolee also serves as the moral compass for InComps.

“Thanks for coming,” StrangeJob says to Spinolee. “I want your advice on whether to disband the group. I am not sure if we should keep it going after Madi’s death.”

Spinolee, looking distracted, nods in agreement that Madi’s loss is tough on the group. “Perhaps we should consider what Madi would want to do before you decide,” says Spinolee.

StrangeJob, noticing that Spinolee seems a bit off today, asks him if he is doing OK.

“I think I am losing my marbles,” replies Spinolee.

“Hey, I have known you for many years and have never questioned your intellect, so I don’t think you are having any issues,” replies StrangeJob.

“I don’t think you understand,” says Spinolee. “I have lost my marbles, and I’ve looked everywhere!”

StrangeJob was puzzled by his friend’s concern when they were distracted by a boisterous discussion at the adjacent table, a group complaining about the province’s plan for a Pallet Shelter in Whitney Pier. Some Pier residents were upset that 30 homeless people would be housed at the site, including druggies and thieves. Some have complained about Ally Centre clients and the homeless shelter downtown, so these Pier residents were concerned that the pallet site would result in similar issues.

“You and Madi were from the Pier, and she lived there when she passed,” says Spinolee. “What do you think about the plans for the pallet site?”

“That’s a tough call,” says StrangeJob. “I have been in recovery for over 30 years and can appreciate the needs of those with addictions, but, like others, I would worry about the potential problems that the site could bring.”

“Perhaps,” replies Spinolee. “However, as I understand, the pallet site will have stringent rules, 24/7 security, and a formal selection process for prospective residents. Perhaps the concern is more about property values than for the betterment of those in need.”

“Yes, I heard concerns about property values,” replies StrangeJob. “That might bother me too, so the not-in-my-neighborhood issue is legit. Someone already lost out on a home sale after the announcement for the pallet site.”

“Listen, I don’t mean to be rude,” says Spinolee, “but shouldn’t we look at this from a moral perspective? Homeless people are suffering in this weather. Didn’t a local unhoused person die recently?”

“Yeah, that’s true, a person sleeping between two dumpsters behind Sobeys died,” replies StrangeJob. “There wasn’t much news about what happened to them, so I am guessing the person either froze or overdosed. The powers that be didn’t want any negative publicity, especially after all the hassle with the New Dawn affordable housing initiative in the North End and the recent complaints about the goings on at the Ally Centre and the homeless shelter downtown.”

“I know about the concerns over New Dawn’s affordable housing project,” says Spinolee. “But what about the Ally Centre and the homeless shelter?

“Some clients have addiction and mental health issues,” replies StrangeJob. “And some have been disruptive, causing grief for downtown business owners and area residents. I haven’t witnessed any of the shenanigans, but I have heard stories about drug use, violence, and other nefarious activities as witnessed by the public.”

“If that’s true, then blocking the pallet shelters might prevent those ready and willing to seek help from receiving needed services. That could make the problems worse,” says Spinolee.

“Fair point,” says StrangeJob. “But a concern is that once the pallets are in the Pier, they will also move the Centre and the shelter down there.”

“It sounds like the mosaic melting pot is boiling over,” says Spinolee.

Their conversation was interrupted again by the ruckus at the adjacent table. Another customer overheard the group complaining about the pallet site and added their two cents’ worth.

Alex, Madi’s good friend and new InComps member, was upset with the table’s discussion and wanted to set the record straight.

“Don’t you realize people are dying out there?” says Alex. “We need to do something to help.”

The table conversation started getting heated when Spinolee noticed Alex and waved him over.

“Hey Alex, it sounds like you are barking up the wrong tree with that group,” says Spinolee. “Let’s not start any loud arguments with them, especially in public. We don’t want to disturb the other customers.”

“Well, maybe they need to be disturbed,” retorts Alex. “Don’t you two know there are members of InComps living in tents as we speak?”

“I didn’t know that,” replies StrangeJob. “If you know who they are, can you ask them to talk to us about their experiences?”

“Yes, I will,” replies Alex. “The more personal stories people hear about homeless struggles the better. I’ll let you know. What do you think Madi would say about the pallet homes?”

“She would be the first to volunteer her support,” replies StrangeJob.

“What would she say to the site’s detractors?” asks Spinolee.

“She would likely tell them to pitch a tent at the proposed site and spend a few nights in the cold to see if that changes their opinion,” states StrangeJob. “I doubt the detractors could hack a few nights out in the cold. They would rather be at home pontificating at their keyboards.”

“That’s a bit harsh,” Spinolee retorts. “Again, perhaps we must look at this from a moral perspective. Shouldn’t all other concerns be secondary if the pallets could prevent a single death?”

“You’re right, so what should we do about it?” says StrangeJob.

“We need to support the pallets, but we should insist that the community be more involved with the process, including the client selection process and site monitoring.”

StrangeJob was about to reply when he noticed Mary walking into the coffee shop. Mary is Spinolee’s significant other and an amateur sleuth with a fondness for Agatha Christie’s adventures.

“Hey, there’s Mary,” says StrangeJob. “Let’s see what she thinks about the pallets.”

Spinolee’s mood was lifted as soon as Mary joined them for tea.

“Where have you been all day?” asks Spinolee to Mary. “I looked for you everywhere!”

StrangeJob suddenly realized the reason for Spinolee’s earlier distraction and his concern over losing his marbles. Mary’s full name is Miss Mary Marbles.

“Hi Mary, how’s the amateur sleuthing going?” asks StrangeJob.

“I was down the Pier checking out the proposed pallet site and researching some of the concerns people have with it,” replies Miss Marble.

“We just discussed that issue,” says Spinolee. What are your thoughts on the site?”

“I think InComps should make it their next adventure,” says Miss Marbles.

To be continued …

Dr. StrangeJob is a satirical blogger, retired educator, social activist, actor, screenwriter, creator of Incompetents Anonymous (IA), and interim leader of the CBLA-InComps. He can be reached at drstrangejob@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @drstrangejob or Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/drstrangejob.

A Truckload of Fireworks and a Fundraiser Gone Terribly Wrong

Posted on December 14, 2023 by Dr. StrangeJob

Dr. StrangeJob wanted the InComps’ fundraising event to be a blast. He acquired a truckload of discounted fireworks to sell and rented a local warehouse. He asked members of InComps to brainstorm ideas for the event. In their contrarian fashion, the group eventually settled on “Dr. StrangeJob’s House of Horrors, Seniors’ Health Workshop, and Fireworks Emporium”.

Unfortunately, just before the event, the booked venue shut down due to Covid. Luckily, Dr. StrangeJob quickly came up with a new plan. Grabbing his phone, he called his colleague Andre Le Pouce Vert.

“Hey, Andre, it’s Dr. StrangeJob. I need your help again.”

“Sure, what’s up,” replies Andre.

“We had planned a Halloween event to sell fireworks and stuff,” says StrangeJob, “but we just lost the location, so I decided to move the event to the waterfront by the Big Fiddle. We don’t have any permits, but I’m hoping you can help us set things up and keep security off our backs.”

“Sounds like déjà vu,” says Andre, “You can count me in. I still don’t get why they built a 60-foot fiddle next to the Cruise Pavilion”.

“I guess some marketing guru must have decided that the “World’s Largest Fiddle” would bring more cruise ships to the Port,” replies StrangeJob. “Speaking of which, there’s a cruise ship in tomorrow, so the plan is to set up by noon. If anyone in the group is asked about permits or such, they will direct the questions to you. All you need to do is keep security baffled like you did the last time by speaking in your best Quebec French regional dialect.”

“J’va le faire,” exclaims Andre.

“One more thing,” notes StrangeJob, “If you still have the van and portable generator, can you pick up Miss Mackie and her industrial strength fan? This damn heatwave will never end, and she wants to use it for her seniors’ yoga class.”

The next day…

The events are about to begin. Dr. StrangeJob had safely stored the fireworks in the shade behind the Big Fiddle. He was strolling around the Big Fiddle, asking bystanders if they were interested in purchasing fireworks on the cheap. Madi was busy selling her homemade high-fibre black bean brownies to the crowd of seniors waiting for the yoga class to start. She had already set up her table, complete with a decorative crystal ball, for her astrological readings. Jesse, a new group member, was setting up her Tarot readings table and a selection of patchouli-scented windproof candles for sale. Psycho Sam, wearing his favorite kilt, was organizing equipment for his fire-eating demonstration. Zippy was recording the event with his drone and keeping Andre informed of the Port Security’s whereabouts.

It was a perfect day, with a perfect plan. What could go wrong?

What transpired next is still under investigation, but the police have classified Dr. StrangeJob’s disappearance as a misadventure with extenuating circumstances. His final destination is currently unknown.

The exact chronology of events has not yet been confirmed, but it went something like this: Miss Mackie and about 20 seniors were practicing the downward-dog and wind-relieving poses when Madie’s high-fibre black bean brownies kicked in. Miss Mackie determined this as the opportune time to turn on her industrial strength fan. The resulting image of Psycho Sam with kilt blown from under sent a wave of shock and awe through the crowd. This was also the exact moment that Psycho Sam was completing his first fire breathing exercise. “Not again!” screamed Psycho Sam, just as the methane ignited by his fire-eating demonstration burned off his eyebrows and made any further manscaping redundant.

Who knew that 20 seniors could pass so much gas?

Sam’s up-kilting and the blast of methane flame startled Madi. Jumping from her booth, she inadvertently knocked the crystal ball from her table. The crystal ball then rolled into the corner of Jesse’s booth, knocking one of the pre-lit pachouli windproof candles to the ground.

Things get a bit sketchy from this point. Unfortunately, the Port’s security cameras had stopped recording while Port Security personnel were busy reviewing Sam’s kilt malfunction. However, according to Zippy’s drone footage, the pre-lit patchouli windproof candle was last seen rolling towards the back of the Big Fiddle.

That’s when things blew-up! Calling it an explosion would be an understatement. The combination of the black bean brownie-fueled methane blast, Psycho Sam’s fiery breath, and candle-ignited fireworks resulted in a huge, thunderous, and dazzling fireball that shook the foundations of the Sydney wharf. The resulting tsunami swept the docked cruise ship up the harbour, knocking a partially constructed new building off its pillared foundation.

Meanwhile, between photo-ops, the Mayor had just popped into their office, for a quick review of weekly social media reports. Their communication team had raised concerns about online chatter critical to current municipal policies and procedures. The Mayor was particularly concerned with reports of recent activities of Dr. StrangeJob. StrangeJob had given the previous administration plenty of trouble, and there was talk that he was considering another run for civic politics. Just as the Mayor was blocking Dr. StrangeJob from their social media accounts, they were distracted by the noise and cascade of fireworks. The view from her harbour window was startling. Shocked, they watched as what appeared to be Dr. StrangeJob riding the World’s Largest Fiddle mid-flight, spiraling towards Sydney River.

Meanwhile, Andre had safely dispersed the crowd hanging around the Big Fiddle and managed to get the Incomps members safely into the back of his truck. He was barreling down the Esplanade in his best “storm-chaser” mode just as the World’s Largest Fiddle took a sharp downward dive towards the middle of Sydney Harbour.

Dr. StrangeJob, on the other hand, had just remembered the punchline to an old question/answer joke. The question was, “What goes through a fly’s mind when it hits the windshield of a car?” He also wondered what happened to the 48 million litres of untreated wastewater that had recently escaped into the harbour. As usual, he always seemed to find himself right in the middle of it.

The end – for now.

This episode was previously published in the Fall 2022 edition of ‘Magine: Unama’ki / Cape Breton’s Literary Magazine. Sketches are courtesy of Joel Inglis.

First They Came for Santa

Posted on December 2, 2023 by Dr. StrangeJob

To maintain secrecy and avoid suspicion, InComps hold their clandestine meetings at various coffee shops throughout the area. Tim Hortons in the Pier, for example, is so noisy that the group is relatively safe from any form of eavesdropping. The InComps huddle inconspicuously in a corner booth, meticulously camouflaged as a group of 12 steppers holding an after-meeting group discussion. Just another bunch of anonymous caffeine addicts gobbling sugar treats.

Several group members have joined Dr. StrangeJob: Madi, the group’s Chief of Intellectual Guerrilla Activities; Doc Spinolee, a retired professor and intellect of the group; Psycho Sam, the group’s kilt-wearing Communications Officer with a penchant for forest fires; Zippy, the group’s techie; and Miss Mackie, an 80-year-old recently retired schoolteacher.

“Thanks for coming to this emergency meeting,” says Dr. StrangeJob. “As most of you know, I was born and raised in the Pier. I’m concerned that the townies planned a Santa Claus parade with a new route that excludes the Pier. We all know the original Santa parade was started by merchants in the Pier and it’s a tradition that the parade starts or stops in the Pier.”

“It’s all about equality,” clarifies Madi, as her rainbow dyed hair catches the attention of Miss Mackie.

“Interesting dye job,” Miss Mackie whispers to Zippy. “What’s the story there?”

“Oh, Madi came out recently and they came out loud and proud,” replies Zippy.

“You’re sounding a little cliché there aren’t you Zip?” says Miss Mackie.

“No,” retorts Zippy. “In fact, check out Madi’s new glasses! No more progressive or transitional lenses for them. Even their new glasses are clearly bi-focal.”

Dr. StrangeJob continues sharing his concern about the parade and asks for suggestions about what they should do about it.

“I got an idea,’ shouts Psycho Sam. “Let’s blow up the overpass and create our own city. Show those townies that we won’t stand for being treated unfairly.”

“Sorry Sam.” interjects Doc Spinolee, “We only support non-violent civil disobedience. Besides the overpass is no longer the only way to the Pier, there is still SPAR Road.

“Please stop referring to SPAR as SPAR Road,” pleads Miss Mackie. “SPAR stands for Sydney Port Access ROAD, so calling it SPAR Road is redundant!”

“Let’s get back to the topic at hand,” interjects Dr. StrangeJob. “I don’t like the way this whole thing played out. CBRM claims the parade was started from an independent group of townie business owners. However, the Mayor had reached out to the townie business community and CBRM is covering the insurance costs, so this sure sounds like it’s a CBRM event to me! The new Mayor is starting to sound a lot like the old Mayor.”

“You got that right,” says Madi, “and don’t get me started about in-camera meetings, communication blunders or how a call of interests for waterfront development ends up with only one alternative. That’s like posting a job and selecting only one candidate for a public interview.”

“It’s like we all need someone to look down on,” says Zippy. “The Townies treat the Pier unfairly, CBRM treats the rest of Cape Breton unfairly, and the mainland craps all over the island.”

“You know, the mayor received threats over the parade issue,” interjects Miss Mackie. “That is just so wrong on so many levels”.

“Yeah, that is not who we are,” exclaims Maddi.

“Another cliché! I detest hearing someone say – this is not who we are – whenever something like this happens,” interjects Miss Mackie. “The first step in solving any problem is admitting you have a problem. If this is not who we are, then it’s pretty close to who we are becoming”.

“Hooray,” shouts Zippy, “I just saw a Twitter post saying the parade will now go to the Pier”.

“Well, I guess our Facebook and Twitter posts worked this time,” says Dr. StrangeJob. “But the parade issue is just a symptom of the lack of fairness that is given to the Pier. We still need to fight for the Pier. Besides, if we hadn’t raised a stink bigger than the Steel Plant, then nothing would have changed.”

“Like I said,” shouts Psycho Sam. “Let’s blow up the overpass where it crosses over the SPA Road and shut down both SPAR and the overpass at the same time”.

“No Sam!” insists Doc Spinolee. “I believe we need to be better informed of our options and like the Doctor just said, we need to look at the big picture. Perhaps we need to talk to someone with experience in equalization and fairness issues.”

“How about someone from the Nova Scotians for Equalization Fairness group?” suggests Zippy. “They have been dealing with Cape Breton equalization underfunding by the Provincial government for over 25 years. They should have some pointers to help us deal with the Pier’s equalization issues.”

“Excellent idea Zippy,” replies Dr. StrangeJob. “I remember Father Maroun from the College of Cape Breton days back in the 70’s. That guy is smart, and he has been fighting the good fight for years.”

“I agree,” say Doc Spinolee. “We need to look at the big picture. This is not just about the Santa Claus parade. It’s about making informed decisions and ensuring trustworthy resources.”

“What do you mean?” asks Zippy.

“Well, if you want to be informed about the issue of equalization, then we have two key sources to choose from,” explains Dr. StrangeJob. “You can trust a 90-year-old educator and Priest who holds four Bachelor’s degrees, two Master’s degrees, plus a PhD or a conglomerate of politicians and business types.”

“We should try to connect with the NSEF,” says Madi, “but that will take some time. We need to think of something that we can do now.”

“I have an idea,” interjects Miss Mackie. “Let’s remove some of those Christmas lights and wreaths from Charlotte Street and put them up in the Pier”.

“You’re not talking about stealing Christmas decorations, are you?” asks Doc Spinolee. “Stealing is not in our mandate!”

“No, don’t think of it as stealing,” answers Miss Mackie. “Think of it as a reallocation of existing resources that, as taxpayers, we have all paid for. I was downtown yesterday and there were Christmas wreaths and lights hanging all over Charlotte Street. Walk around the Pier and you don’t see near the same amount.”

“Hey, this is like we were going to do with the hanging flower baskets a few years ago,” explains Madi. “Remember we planned to take, or should I say liberate, the flower baskets from downtown and drop them off at the seniors’ complex.”

“I remember that” says Zippy. “But it seems unfair to just take the wreaths and not replace them with something.”

“Good point Zippy,” notes Dr StrangeJob. “With the flower baskets, we decided to replace them with kale baskets for free food. Perhaps we have an opportunity to make the point that there is life on the other side of the overpass. Any ideas?”

“Well, in the Christmas spirit of Santa knowing who is naughty or nice,” muses Miss Mackie. “Let’s replace the existing wreaths in town with wreaths made of chunks of coal. That will send the message that they are not being nice to the rest of us”.

“Brilliant!” exclaims Dr. StrangeJob, “But let’s make sure we don’t use any coal from the Donkin mine, that would be an accident waiting to happen”.

“Won’t the new route make for a long walk for the elderly or kids in the parade,” interjects Maddi.

“You can’t please everyone,” says Dr. StrangeJob. “That’s what happens when you are born on the wrong side of the tracks.”

“Enough with the cliches already!” exclaims Miss Mackie.

“Yes, I guess we can do better,” says Dr. StrangeJob. “It might be an uphill battle, but we do need to think outside of the box and perhaps make some tough decisions”.

“Ignorance is bliss,” muses Miss Mackie.

The end.

This episode was previously published in the Volume 4cedition of ‘Magine: Unama’ki / Cape Breton’s Literary Magazine

InComps: Goodbye to Madi

Posted on November 28, 2023 by Dr. StrangeJob

To maintain secrecy and avoid suspicion, InComps generally hold their clandestine meetings at various coffee shops throughout the area. The InComps huddle inconspicuously in a corner booth, meticulously camouflaged as a group of 12 steppers holding an after-meeting group discussion. Today’s meeting, however, has been advertised on social media as a celebration of life for Madi, one of the group’s recently lost members, at Doktor Luke’s on Prince Street.

Madi served as the group’s Chief of Intellectual Guerrilla Activities (IGA) since its conception and was the brains behind many of the group’s missions. Madi was also a firm believer in non-violent resistance and a proud member of the local 2SLGTBQIA+ community.

“I will start by thanking you all for attending Madi’s celebration of life,” says Dr. StrangeJob, “As most of you are aware, Madi was diagnosed with cancer and chose to end her life using medically assisted dying. I would like to use this gathering to share personal stories about Madi,” continues Dr. StrangeJob. “In my case, as many of you are aware, Madi and I were close. We both came from the same womb. This made us relatives, but we became friends on our own. Would anyone like to share a story about Madi?”

“Sure, I will start,” says Patti O’Lantern, an elderly martial artist, “This story goes back a few years when I was involved in global politics and heading to Nicaragua. Madi and I had many discussions on how to get people to care about what’s going on in other countries, not to mention our own. We concluded that the surest way was to get involved with someone sexually and bring them into the fold. We called this fucking for the revolution.”

Zippy, the group’s techie, interrupts Patti while enthusiastically volunteering to develop an InComps recruitment committee.

“I’ll sign up for that committee as well,” interjects Psycho Sam, the group’s kilt-wearing Communications Officer with a penchant for forest fires.

“I don’t like where this is heading,” interjects Doc Spinolee, a retired professor and moral compass of the group.

“What a bunch of losers.” chuckles Miss Mackie, the 80-year-old recently retired schoolteacher, “The only way you guys will ever get laid is when you are laid to rest!”

It was at this point that all hell broke loose at the meeting. Two old dudes brandishing crucifixes rush into the middle of the room, apparently set on performing some sort of group exorcism.

“Begone! You heathens, you homo-sex-uals, you bunch of left-wing commies,” shouts Dude 1.

“The body of Christ compels you! The body of Christ compels you!” exclaims Dude 2, vigorously waiving his crucifix around the room.

Pandemonium ensues.

Patti asks Psycho Sam who these two guys are.

“I believe they belong to that anti-vaxxer, convoy-supporting, and anti-gay group from up the road,” answers Psycho Sam.

Zippy adds, “Yes, they are part of that group that protests at city hall.”

“What do they protest?” asks Patti.

“Oh, just about anything that is not extreme right-wing politics,” answers Psycho Sam, “Be careful around that group. They can be as nasty as a clan of hyenas.”

Meanwhile, Dr. StrangeJob, who had anticipated these characters might try to interfere with the meeting, had prearranged for a close friend of Madi’s to be on standby in case he was needed. Madi’s Mad Apprentice is a giant of a man at 6’8″ and 275 pounds. He has had previous encounters with members of this group and recently won a court case against them.

Dr. StrangeJob sternly speaks to the old dudes, “This is not the place nor time for these shenanigans. Please leave now, or I will have Madi’s Mad Apprentice come here to escort you out.”

The old dudes do not comply, so Dr. StrangeJob sends a quick text message to Madi’s Mad Apprentice, who is stationed just around the corner from the coffee shop.

The Apprentice, dressed in full protest regalia complete with a body cam, waving an Anti-Fascist flag, and wearing a menacing airsoft helmet, struts into the coffee shop with a booming voice commanding the old dudes to leave.

The room becomes silent. The old dudes stare at the Apprentice in fear. Dr. StrangeJob looks at the Apprentice sternly and quietly reminds him that Madi was all about non-violence and reminds him to stick with the plan. The Apprentice saunters closer to the old dudes and quietly sits down next to them, removes his mask, and begins reading a book on the life and teachings of Gandhi.

Breaking the silence, Patti O’Lantern, who is also a practicing trauma specialist, decides to take action in an attempt to defuse the situation, suggesting it is time for the old dudes to be gone. She moves behind Madi’s Apprentice and states calmly and firmly, “Begone! The spirit of Madi compels you. Begone! The spirit of Madi compels you.”

One by one, the remaining InComps members stand facing the old dudes, joining Patti and repeating in unison, “Begone! The spirit of Madi compels you. Begone! The spirit of Madi compels you.”

The old dudes, realizing they are in a no-win situation, quickly skulk out of the coffee shop.

“Now that is what I call passive resistance. Madi would be proud,” declares Dr. StrangeJob, who resists telling the two old dudes where they should stick their crosses as they slither from the coffee shop.

“Foiled again by that damn Apprentice,” says Dude 1, “What are we going to do now?”

“Well, I hear there are drag races this weekend somewhere out by the university,” replies Dude 2, “We didn’t stop them warping our children’s minds during the drag story sessions at the library, but perhaps we can save some of those sinners at their drag races.”

“Well, that was interesting,” says Dr. StrangeJob, looking at his watch. “Damn, it looks like we are running out of time for today’s meeting, but perhaps we can have one more story,” says Dr. StrangeJob, “Do you have anything to share Snoopy?”

“Yes, I do,” says Snoopy, the intrepid investigative reporter from the Spectacle. “Madi was one of the earliest and staunchest supporters of the Spectacle. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that without Madi, the Spectacle might have existed but would not have survived. The last thing Madi said to me was a piece of advice: they told me that memory is a form of time travel and when I miss them, I should just think really hard about a time we’d had together and it would be like seeing them again.”

“That made sense to me,” continues Snoopy, “So the last thing I said to Madi was that I’d be seeing them soon.”

“That’s so touching Snoopy,” says Dr StrangeJob, “Thanks for sharing. I think that’s a perfect way to end this meeting.”

Holding back tears, Dr StrangeJob adjourns the meeting, saying, “Madi, I will see you soon, kiddo.”

Dr. StrangeJob

Dedication: This episode is dedicated to madeline yakimchuk. This episode was previously published in the Autumn 2023 edition of ‘Magine: Unama’ki / Cape Breton’s Literary Magazine. Sketches are courtesy of Joel Inglis.

Where is Dr. StrangeJob? InComps Episode 2(1)

Posted on September 1, 2018 by Dr. StrangeJob

Snoop, the intrepid CBS (Cape Breton SpecTatler) reporter, can smell a scoop within 50 kilometers of a litter box. She has been informed by numerous sources that all is not well within the inner workings of InComps. Some believe that Dr. StrangeJob should step down from his position as leader of the group. At issue is a perceived conflict of interest in his running for both mayor of CBRM and premier. According to Joe Spam-Alot, renowned tweeter and ABS (Anybody but StrangeJob) for mayor pundit, the role of CBRM mayor is a full-time job and any sitting CBRM mayor running for premier is in direct conflict of interest.

The SpecTatler has also uncovered serious accusations within InComps involving unsavory business dealings. According to the accusations, not proven in court (yet), Dr. StrangeJob, in an attempt to break into the film business, has entered into a contract with a private DVD/Blu-Ray distributer to purchase old video stock at premium prices. He then leases the films to a third-party that rents them to local customers. The lease agreement requires the third-party to provide StrangeJob with a percentage of all rental fees, and to sell unrented stock back to StrangeJob at below-market discount.

Doctor Spinolee, the conscience of InComps, who was not authorized to discuss the situation publicly, spoke to the SpecTatler on condition of anonymity. Spinolee argues that StrangeJob is playing with the same set of business rules as our municipal government is with the Port file but admits that the optics are questionable. Spinolee has faith that StrangeJob is acting on behalf of InComps but is also calling for an “open and transparent” InComps meeting.

Wait, it gets worse!

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Wally, a past InComps member familiar with StrangeJob’s accounting files, further claims that StrangeJob resells all stock purchased from the third-party rental company back to the original DVD/Blu-Ray distributer at above-market-value prices. The original distributer, the film rental company, and StrangeJob are all members of a local “good old boys” movie club who are involved with various local projects currently in development. It should be noted, however, that Wally left InComps after repeated claims that he did not meet the requirements of the group. Wally claims he was pressured to leave InComps because he was already competent. These claims have not been proven (yet) in court.

The plot thickens.

Madi, another InComps insider, who also wished to remain anonymous, purports that StrangeJob has not called a public InComps meeting in months, changes committee meeting schedules at whim, and appears more focused on his film career than on dealing with the flimflam at CBRM. Madi believes that StrangeJob should step aside from his InComps leadership role.

Psycho Sam, another anonymous member and relative of StrangeJob, supports his brother but is concerned that StrangeJob’s recent tour of world film festivals may be affecting the group’s financial bottom-line. A recent SpecTatler FOIP uncovered various expenses claimed by StrangeJob involving trips to the Shanghai Film Festival and the Beijing Film Festival. Not only did StrangeJob attend the last three Beijing film festivals, but he also travelled first class.

The SpecTatler contacted StrangeJob for comment. His communication officer, Ms. Lied-Toomey, is no longer available, and his personal assistant is busy putting out other fires. We hope to reach StrangeJob before press time.

Ring Ring Ring

“Hello, Cape Breton SpecTatler, Snoop speaking.”

“This is Dr. StrangeJob. I understand you’ve been trying to reach me.”

“Yes, it concerns a story that is just heading to press. It appears that some of your fellow InComps members are questioning your InComps leadership role and also have transparency issues with your recent business dealings,” replies Snoop.

“I’m following normal CBRM business practices with the film file, but that is not why I called. I want to discuss my plan to hold an InComps Leadership Convention on October 26-27.

“What? You are going to hold an InComps Leadership Convention the same time as the Nova Scotia PC leadership convention?” questions Snoop.

“Sure, what better time to focus on InComps than during a PC Leadership convention?” retorts StrangeJob.

… to be continued

Competence is our final frontier. Join the farce and support the journey of the CBLA-InComps. Their mission: to expel incompetence, to seek out the competent, and to boldly go where Caper heroes have gone before. We are legion. We know who you are. We are going to the Legion.

Dr. StrangeJob

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THEY vs THEM – InComps Episode 6

Posted on August 20, 2017 by Dr. StrangeJob

Dr StrangeJob worries about his little brother Psycho Sam. Sam has not been heard from since he begrudgingly agreed to a date with Ms Lied-Toomey two weeks ago. To make matters worse, Ms Lied-Toomey does not answer the Doctor’s text messages and all attempts to contact her at work receive “Out of Office” replies. Apparently, Ms Lied-Toomey called in sick the morning after her date with Sam, and nobody has heard from her since either.

A tired and troubled Dr StrangeJob attempts to relax on his front porch listening to Matt Minglewood and falls asleep, dreaming of superheroes…

What if InComps became a superhero group charged with thwarting evil wrongdoers of Cape Breton? Who would they be?

That’s easy. Capers always end their grumblings by asking for the same group of heroes to come to their aid. Eavesdrop in any Cape Breton tavern or coffee shop and you will hear the same response to any problem:

Unemployment – they need to do something about it.

Health care – they need to fix it.

Poverty – they need to help.

Crooked politicians – they need to deal with them.

Any other problem – they need to address it.

So, it’s obvious that the superhero group are THEY (The Heroes Everyone Yearns), but who exactly are THEY? They are an elite subgroup of InComps members who use their special powers to thwart evil. Their special powers, however, are not unearthly superpowers, but powers based on individual characteristics.

Zippy, for example, becomes Flash, with his ability to temporarily blind villains using his high-intensity camera flash. Miss Mackie is The Eye, with power to freeze politicians in mid-lie, forcing them to tell the truth with The Look she developed over a 50-year teaching career. Grant, a newer InComps member, is a blacksmith and iron worker who serves as the group’s Ironman. Sir Joe Spam-Alot is the Real TweetHeart and continues to get the word out in 140 characters or less, continues to get the word out in 140 characters or less, continues to get the word out in 140 characters or less …

Doctor Spinolee, Riddler, annihilates bureaucratic policy through logical inquisition. Andre, The Green Thumb, beats swords into plowshares for green spaces. In other cases, the hero’s name is self-explanatory: Madi (Shit Disturber) and Dan (Bullshitter) are collectively known as the InComp-poops. Wayne, another new member, is the Libel-Libertarian, he has survived death and is willing to follow suit in support of the cause.

All superheroes oppose a supervillain group. Again, listening to tidbits of Timbit-fueled Caper conversation we glean the name of the true villains of Cape Breton:

It was them.

It’s them damn politicians.

Oh, them again.

Them dirty little buggers.

Them’s to blame.

So, it’s clear that our villains are THEM (The Hateful Elite Mongers), but who exactly are THEM? Well, we all know who they are, don’t we?

We are THEY, THEY have seen the enemy, and the enemy is THEM.

Screeeeeeeech!!!

This episode has gone more off kilter than Mr. Robot’s Season 2 Episode 6 sitcom parody or that insane musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean, come on, a superhero group! Has Dr StrangeJob run out of story ideas or has InComps lost their way?

Besides, Cape Breton already has a set of superheroes fighting for truth, equality, and transparency: Mary Campbell and The Cape Breton Spectator fight for transparency; Madonna Doucette makes us proud; and the Three Wise Women of Council keep a watchful eye on the CBRM Mayor and Administration. These are only a few examples of the many workers, volunteers, neighbours, and dedicated grassroot organizers standing up for Cape Breton justice.

“Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand…” sings Ken C., breaking into song at the mere mention of the Mayor, forcing StrangeJob to relive the events of KaleFest 2017 and Psycho Sam: A Flash in the Cam.

“No, No, not the kilt, not the kilt,” mutters Dr StrangeJob, startled from his dream state as Officer Richard (Dick) Less pulls into the driveway.

“Not you again,” says StrangeJob. “What are you going to arrest me for this time?”

“I am not here for you,” says Officer Dick Less. “Ms Lied-Toomey asked me to drop by with Sam’s laundry and pick up his mail.”

“What!” exclaims StrangeJob. “We have been worried sick about him, and you show up to collect his mail. Where is he?”

“I am not at liberty to say,” says Dick Less, handing a laundry sack to StrangeJob. “But he was smiling the last time I saw him, which reminds me, where can I pick up his asthma medications?”

Dr StrangeJob accepts the laundry, opens the front door and shouts, “Hey Ma, that psycho son of yours has fallen in love again, and Dick Less wants his mail.”

“Stop picking on your little brother,” replies Miss Mackie. “It’s not his fault that the girls you fancy fall for him instead.”

Meanwhile, Alan “Fritz” Smithee, reviewing footage from the hidden camera attached to Psycho Sam’s kilt, contemplates his next film project.

… end of InComps Volume 1

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Cape Breton Kale-Lee – InComps Episode 4

Posted on August 7, 2017 by Dr. StrangeJob

While Dr StrangeJob was discussing future InComps episodes with Madi, he received a text message from Andre Le Pouce Vert.

“Andre has about 30 kale-for-the-picking bins ready to go,” reports StrangeJob. “Looks like we’re ready to execute operation Let Them Eat Flowers.”

“No, we need to abort that mission,” says Madi. “Didn’t you hear? CBRM workers replaced the Mayor’s beautification flower-baskets with kale-for-the-picking bins all over town!”

“What?” blurts StrangeJob.

“Yeah, and their kale-for-the-picking bins look exactly like the prototype we put up in front of City Hall,” says Madi. “They even distributed the original flower baskets to local senior citizen complexes, just like we had planned.”

“I bet I know what happened,” chuckles StrangeJob. “At my meeting last week with Ms Lied-Toomey, I learned she obtained a leaked a copy of our Let Them Eat Flowers plans and forwarded the plans to the managerial brass at City Hall as a high priority item—I guess they took her literally and executed the plans for us.”

“Well, on to our next adventure then,” says Madi. “But I feel bad for Andre. He puts his heart into providing healthy food choices for folks, and now he has 30 bins of kale going to waste.”

“I have an idea,” says StrangeJob. “Let’s have a Kale-Lee!”

“Do you mean ceilidh?” asks Madi.

“No, not a ceilidh. I mean a good old fashion Cape Breton Kale-Lee,” says StrangeJob. “You know, kind of like Sydney RibFest, but with kale instead of ribs. The vegans will love it.”

“Cool. And there’s a cruise ship in port this afternoon, so why don’t we set something up for later today?” says Madi.

“Ok, I’ll text Andre to deliver the kale to the Big Fiddle and buy us some time to organize an event,” says StrangeJob.

… three hours later

Andre had his kale-for-the-picking bins strategically arranged around the Big Fiddle with an hour to spare. Since that left ample time for a quick 5K run before KaleFest 2017, he started a warmup routine just as a Port Authority security guard approached him.

“Excuse me, sir, but what are you doing with all of that green stuff?” asks the guard pointing to the 30 kale-for-the-picking bins.

“Ils sont ici pour le Kale-Lee cet après-midi,” says Andre, continuing his warm up.

“Pardon?” asks the guard.

“Tu ne parle pas le français, n’est-ce pas?” says Andre, stepping up the pace of his stretches and jumping jacks.

The guard, showing obvious signs of distress as Andre accelerated his squats and flailing arm movements, asks, “Do you speak English?”

“Pardon, je ne parle pas l’anglais aujourd’hui,” teases Andre as he starts running on the spot.

The guard speaks slowly into his walkie-talkie, “Central, we have a problem! There is a wild and crazy dude down here speaking a foreign language. I’m backing off, call the police.”

… one hour later

KaleFest 2017 was in full swing: Miss Mackie had just arrived with her industrial sized cooling fan to keep the kale from wilting, Madi’s “kale chewing” contest was a hit, tourists lined up at Zippy’s photo booth to pose with a kilted Psycho Sam, and Dr StrangeJob dropped off singer/songwriter Kenny C (not G) to perform a set of Cape Breton Protest Songs Volume 1 and Volume 2.

Kenny tunes up with a rousing chorus of, “Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand…”

“So, did Security give you any trouble setting up the kale?” StrangeJob asks Andre.

“No b’ye, I just spoke in French with my Quebec dialect and scared him off,” responds Andre. “I bought us some time, but I bet the cops will be here soon.”

“Hey, who are those two guys with the movie camera standing next to Zippy’s photo booth?” asks Madi.

“Oh, that’s Alan ‘Fritz’ Smithee and his sound guy Clappy from the CrapDance Channel,” says StrangeJob. “They’re doing a documentary on InComps.”

“Too bad they didn’t get you on film when we were stuck in the trunk of Miss MacKie’s car,” says Madi. “That was a crapdance moment if ever I saw one”.

Kenny, sings in the background, “Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand …”

“Hey, that guy is pretty good, but didn’t he sing that song already?” asks a tourist to one of Kenny’s fawning groupies.

“Well, like yeah, someone must have mentioned the Mayor’s name again,” replies the groupie. “I mean like, don’t you know that Kenny C always sings that song whenever he hears the Mayor’s name, Duh!”

… things continued well with KaleFest 2017, that is, until someone hit the fan.

Zippy was snapping photos of the kilted Psycho Sam posing with a family of international tourists when Miss Mackie plugged in her industrial sized cooling fan. The resulting image of Psycho Sam with kilt blown from under set a wave of shock and awe through KaleFest 2017.

At this exact moment Officer Richard “Dick” Less arrived to deal with the “wild and crazy dude” running around scaring the bejeezus out of tourists. “Dear God!” gasped Dick Less, as the image of Psycho Sam channeling Marylyn Monroe’s blowing white dress implanted permanently in his brain. Poor Dick Less, he never felt SO, So, so inadequate.

“Tell me we got that on film!” exclaims director Alan ‘Fritz’ Smithee to Clappy.“ I just got an idea for my next movie.”

“Can you tell me how to get to the Mayor’s office?” a stranger asks Kenny, who breaks into another chorus of, “Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand…”

Pandemonium ensued by the Big Fiddle: tourists ran around snapping photos; Kenny’s groupies swarmed Zippy’s photo booth; Miss Mackie fainted; Madi’s dog, Kali, charged Psycho Sam’s kilt, and Dr StrangeJob received an unexpected text message from Ms Lied-Toomey.

Apparently, Ms Lied-Toomey, a huge Outlander fan, had been monitoring KaleFest 2017 via the port security camera ever since the guard called about the “wild and crazy dude.” The vision of an up-kilted Psycho Sam was too much for her to handle. After repeated pause/play of security footage and a few deep breaths, Ms Lied-Toomey knew what had to be done and sent the following text to Dr StrangeJob.

“Can you hook me up with Psycho Sam?”

Dr StrangeJob was considering his response to Ms Lied-Toomey’s when Ken started his third encore.

“We went on a march to the government, so do whatever it takes. You gotta do whatever it takes. You gotta do whatever it takes…”

Inspired by Kenny’s song, Dr StrangeJob looked at his little brother Psycho Sam, smiled mischievously, and replied to Ms Lied-Toomey’s text.

… to be continued in Episode 5: Psycho Sam Takes One for the Team!

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Dr. StrangeJob or: How I Learned to Stop Raging and Embrace the Bull

Incompetents Anonymous – The Peter Principle in Practice

Tag Archives: Incomps

Is the Pier Un-pallet-able?

A Truckload of Fireworks and a Fundraiser Gone Terribly Wrong

First They Came for Santa

InComps: Goodbye to Madi

Where is Dr. StrangeJob? InComps Episode 2(1)

THEY vs THEM – InComps Episode 6

Cape Breton Kale-Lee – InComps Episode 4