Snoop, the intrepid CBS (Cape Breton SpecTatler) reporter, can smell a scoop within 50 kilometers of a litter box. She has been informed by numerous sources that all is not well within the inner workings of InComps. Some believe that Dr. StrangeJob should step down from his position as leader of the group. At issue is a perceived conflict of interest in his running for both mayor of CBRM and premier.  According to Joe Spam-Alot, renowned tweeter and ABS (Anybody but StrangeJob) for mayor pundit, the role of CBRM mayor is a full-time job and any sitting CBRM mayor running for premier is in direct conflict of interest. 

The SpecTatler has also uncovered serious accusations within InComps involving unsavory business dealings. According to the accusations, not proven in court (yet), Dr. StrangeJob, in an attempt to break into the film business, has entered into a contract with a private DVD/Blu-Ray distributer to purchase old video stock at premium prices. He then leases the films to a third-party that rents them to local customers. The lease agreement requires the third-party to provide StrangeJob with a percentage of all rental fees, and to sell unrented stock back to StrangeJob at below-market discount.

Doctor Spinolee, the conscience of InComps, who was not authorized to discuss the situation publicly, spoke to the SpecTatler on condition of anonymity. Spinolee argues that StrangeJob is playing with the same set of business rules as our municipal government is with the Port file but admits that the optics are questionable. Spinolee has faith that StrangeJob is acting on behalf of InComps but is also calling for an “open and transparent” InComps meeting.   

Wait, it gets worse!

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Wally, a past InComps member familiar with StrangeJob’s accounting files, further claims that StrangeJob resells all stock purchased from the third-party rental company back to the original DVD/Blu-Ray distributer at above-market-value prices. The original distributer, the film rental company, and StrangeJob are all members of a local “good old boys” movie club who are involved with various local projects currently in development. It should be noted, however, that Wally left InComps after repeated claims that he did not meet the requirements of the group. Wally claims he was pressured to leave InComps because he was already competent. These claims have not been proven (yet) in court.

The plot thickens.

Madi, another InComps insider, who also wished to remain anonymous, purports that StrangeJob has not called a public InComps meeting in months, changes committee meeting schedules at whim, and appears more focused on his film career than on dealing with the flimflam at CBRM. Madi believes that StrangeJob should step aside from his InComps leadership role.

Psycho Sam, another anonymous member and relative of StrangeJob, supports his brother but is concerned that StrangeJob’s recent tour of world film festivals may be affecting the group’s financial bottom-line. A recent SpecTatler FOIP uncovered various expenses claimed by StrangeJob involving trips to the Shanghai Film Festival and the Beijing Film Festival. Not only did StrangeJob attend the last three Beijing film festivals, but he also travelled first class.

The SpecTatler contacted StrangeJob for comment. His communication officer, Ms. Lied-Toomey, is no longer available, and his personal assistant is busy putting out other fires. We hope to reach StrangeJob before press time.

Ring Ring Ring

 “Hello,  Cape Breton SpecTatler, Snoop speaking.”

 “This is Dr. StrangeJob. I understand you’ve been trying to reach me.”

 “Yes, it concerns a story that is just heading to press. It appears that some of your fellow InComps members are questioning your InComps leadership role and also have transparency issues with your recent business dealings,” replies Snoop.

 “I’m following normal CBRM business practices with the film file, but  that is not why I called. I want to discuss my plan to hold an InComps Leadership Convention on October 26-27.

 “What?  You are going to hold an InComps Leadership Convention the same time as the Nova Scotia PC leadership convention?” questions Snoop.

 “Sure, what better time to focus on InComps than during a PC Leadership convention?” retorts StrangeJob.

… to be continued

Competence is our final frontier. Join the farce and support the journey of the CBLA-InComps. Their mission: to expel incompetence, to seek out the competent, and to boldly go where Caper heroes have gone before. We are legion. We know who you are. We are going to the Legion.

Dr. StrangeJob

Find Dr StrangeJob on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/drstrangejob
Follow Dr StrangeJob on Twitter at https://twitter.com/drstrangejob
Learn more about Dr StrangeJob at www.drstrangejob.ca

While Dr StrangeJob was discussing future InComps episodes with Madi, he received a text message from Andre Le Pouce Vert.

“Andre has about 30 kale-for-the-picking bins ready to go,” reports StrangeJob. “Looks like we’re ready to execute operation Let Them Eat Flowers.”

“No, we need to abort that mission,” says Madi. “Didn’t you hear? CBRM workers replaced the Mayor’s beautification flower-baskets with kale-for-the-picking bins all over town!”

“What?” blurts StrangeJob.

“Yeah, and their kale-for-the-picking bins look exactly like the prototype we put up in front of City Hall,” says Madi. “They even distributed the original flower baskets to local senior citizen complexes, just like we had planned.”

“I bet I know what happened,” chuckles StrangeJob. “At my meeting last week with Ms Lied-Toomey, I learned she obtained a leaked a copy of our Let Them Eat Flowers plans and forwarded the plans to the managerial brass at City Hall as a high priority item—I guess they took her literally and executed the plans for us.”

“Well, on to our next adventure then,” says Madi. “But I feel bad for Andre. He puts his heart into providing healthy food choices for folks, and now he has 30 bins of kale going to waste.”

“I have an idea,” says StrangeJob. “Let’s have a Kale-Lee!”

“Do you mean ceilidh?” asks Madi.

“No, not a ceilidh. I mean a good old fashion Cape Breton Kale-Lee,” says StrangeJob.  “You know, kind of like Sydney RibFest, but with kale instead of ribs. The vegans will love it.”

“Cool. And there’s a cruise ship in port this afternoon, so why don’t we set something up for later today?” says Madi.

“Ok, I’ll text Andre to deliver the kale to the Big Fiddle and buy us some time to organize an event,” says StrangeJob.

… three hours later

Andre had his kale-for-the-picking bins strategically arranged around the Big Fiddle with an hour to spare. Since that left ample time for a quick 5K run before KaleFest 2017, he started a warmup routine just as a Port Authority security guard approached him.

“Excuse me, sir, but what are you doing with all of that green stuff?” asks the guard pointing to the 30 kale-for-the-picking bins.

“Ils sont ici pour le Kale-Lee cet après-midi,” says Andre, continuing his warm up.

“Pardon?” asks the guard.

“Tu ne parle pas le français, n’est-ce pas?” says Andre, stepping up the pace of his stretches and jumping jacks.

The guard, showing obvious signs of distress as Andre accelerated his squats and flailing arm movements, asks, “Do you speak English?”

“Pardon, je ne parle pas l’anglais aujourd’hui,” teases Andre as he starts running on the spot.

The guard speaks slowly into his walkie-talkie, “Central, we have a problem! There is a wild and crazy dude down here speaking a foreign language. I’m backing off, call the police.”

… one hour later

KaleFest 2017 was in full swing: Miss Mackie had just arrived with her industrial sized cooling fan to keep the kale from wilting, Madi’s “kale chewing” contest was a hit, tourists lined up at Zippy’s photo booth to pose with a kilted Psycho Sam, and Dr StrangeJob dropped off singer/songwriter Kenny C (not G) to perform a set of Cape Breton Protest Songs Volume 1 and Volume 2.

Kenny tunes up with a rousing chorus of, “Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand…”

“So, did Security give you any trouble setting up the kale?” StrangeJob asks Andre.

“No b’ye, I just spoke in French with my Quebec dialect and scared him off,” responds Andre. “I bought us some time, but I bet the cops will be here soon.”

“Hey, who are those two guys with the movie camera standing next to Zippy’s photo booth?” asks Madi.

“Oh, that’s Alan ‘Fritz’ Smithee and his sound guy Clappy from the CrapDance Channel,” says StrangeJob. “They’re doing a documentary on InComps.”

“Too bad they didn’t get you on film when we were stuck in the trunk of Miss MacKie’s car,” says Madi. “That was a crapdance moment if ever I saw one”.

Kenny, sings in the background, “Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand …”

“Hey, that guy is pretty good, but didn’t he sing that song already?” asks a tourist to one of Kenny’s fawning groupies.

“Well, like yeah, someone must have mentioned the Mayor’s name again,” replies the groupie. “I mean like, don’t you know that Kenny C always sings that song whenever he hears the Mayor’s name, Duh!”

… things continued well with KaleFest 2017, that is, until someone hit the fan.

Zippy was snapping photos of the kilted Psycho Sam posing with a family of international tourists when Miss Mackie plugged in her industrial sized cooling fan. The resulting image of Psycho Sam with kilt blown from under set a wave of shock and awe through KaleFest 2017.

At this exact moment Officer Richard “Dick” Less arrived to deal with the “wild and crazy dude” running around scaring the bejeezus out of tourists. “Dear God!” gasped Dick Less, as the image of Psycho Sam channeling Marylyn Monroe’s blowing white dress implanted permanently in his brain. Poor Dick Less, he never felt SO, So, so inadequate.

“Tell me we got that on film!” exclaims director Alan ‘Fritz’ Smithee to Clappy.“ I just got an idea for my next movie.”

“Can you tell me how to get to the Mayor’s office?” a stranger asks Kenny, who breaks into another chorus of, “Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand…”

Pandemonium ensued by the Big Fiddle: tourists ran around snapping photos; Kenny’s groupies swarmed Zippy’s photo booth; Miss Mackie fainted; Madi’s dog, Kali, charged Psycho Sam’s kilt, and Dr StrangeJob received an unexpected text message from Ms Lied-Toomey.

Apparently, Ms Lied-Toomey, a huge Outlander fan, had been monitoring KaleFest 2017 via the port security camera ever since the guard called about the “wild and crazy dude.” The vision of an up-kilted Psycho Sam was too much for her to handle. After repeated pause/play of security footage and a few deep breaths, Ms Lied-Toomey knew what had to be done and sent the following text to Dr StrangeJob.

“Can you hook me up with Psycho Sam?”

Dr StrangeJob was considering his response to Ms Lied-Toomey’s when Ken started his third encore.

“We went on a march to the government, so do whatever it takes. You gotta do whatever it takes. You gotta do whatever it takes…”

Inspired by Kenny’s song, Dr StrangeJob looked at his little brother Psycho Sam, smiled mischievously, and replied to Ms Lied-Toomey’s text.

… to be continued in Episode 5: Psycho Sam Takes One for the Team!

Competence is our final frontier. Join the farce and support the journey of the CBLA-InComps. Their mission: to expel incompetence, to seek out the competent, and to boldly go where Caper heroes have gone before. We are legion. We know who you are. We are going to the Legion.

Find Dr StrangeJob on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/drstrangejob
Follow Dr StrangeJob on Twitter at https://twitter.com/drstrangejob
Learn more about Dr StrangeJob at www.drstrangejob.ca