To maintain secrecy and avoid suspicion, InComps generally hold their clandestine meetings at various coffee shops throughout the area. The InComps huddle inconspicuously in a corner booth, meticulously camouflaged as a group of 12 steppers holding an after-meeting group discussion. Today’s meeting, however, has been advertised on social media as a celebration of life for Madi, one of the group’s recently lost members, at Doktor Luke’s on Prince Street.

Madi served as the group’s Chief of Intellectual Guerrilla Activities (IGA) since its conception and was the brains behind many of the group’s missions. Madi was also a firm believer in non-violent resistance and a proud member of the local 2SLGTBQIA+ community.   

“I will start by thanking you all for attending Madi’s celebration of life,” says Dr. StrangeJob, “As most of you are aware, Madi was diagnosed with cancer and chose to end her life using medically assisted dying. I would like to use this gathering to share personal stories about Madi,” continues Dr. StrangeJob. “In my case, as many of you are aware, Madi and I were close. We both came from the same womb. This made us relatives, but we became friends on our own. Would anyone like to share a story about Madi?”

“Sure, I will start,” says Patti O’Lantern, an elderly martial artist, “This story goes back a few years when I was involved in global politics and heading to Nicaragua. Madi and I had many discussions on how to get people to care about what’s going on in other countries, not to mention our own. We concluded that the surest way was to get involved with someone sexually and bring them into the fold. We called this fucking for the revolution.”

Zippy, the group’s techie, interrupts Patti while enthusiastically volunteering to develop an InComps recruitment committee.

“I’ll sign up for that committee as well,” interjects Psycho Sam, the group’s kilt-wearing Communications Officer with a penchant for forest fires.

“I don’t like where this is heading,” interjects Doc Spinolee, a retired professor and moral compass of the group.

“What a bunch of losers.” chuckles Miss Mackie, the 80-year-old recently retired schoolteacher, “The only way you guys will ever get laid is when you are laid to rest!”

It was at this point that all hell broke loose at the meeting. Two old dudes brandishing crucifixes rush into the middle of the room, apparently set on performing some sort of group exorcism.

“Begone! You heathens, you homo-sex-uals, you bunch of left-wing commies,” shouts Dude 1.

“The body of Christ compels you! The body of Christ compels you!” exclaims Dude 2, vigorously waiving his crucifix around the room.

Pandemonium ensues.

Patti asks Psycho Sam who these two guys are.

“I believe they belong to that anti-vaxxer, convoy-supporting, and anti-gay group from up the road,” answers Psycho Sam.

Zippy adds, “Yes, they are part of that group that protests at city hall.”

“What do they protest?” asks Patti.

“Oh, just about anything that is not extreme right-wing politics,” answers Psycho Sam, “Be careful around that group. They can be as nasty as a clan of hyenas.”

Meanwhile, Dr. StrangeJob, who had anticipated these characters might try to interfere with the meeting, had prearranged for a close friend of Madi’s to be on standby in case he was needed. Madi’s Mad Apprentice is a giant of a man at 6’8″ and 275 pounds. He has had previous encounters with members of this group and recently won a court case against them.   

Dr. StrangeJob sternly speaks to the old dudes, “This is not the place nor time for these shenanigans.   Please leave now, or I will have Madi’s Mad Apprentice come here to escort you out.”

The old dudes do not comply, so Dr. StrangeJob sends a quick text message to Madi’s Mad Apprentice, who is stationed just around the corner from the coffee shop.  

The Apprentice, dressed in full protest regalia complete with a body cam, waving an Anti-Fascist flag, and wearing a menacing airsoft helmet, struts into the coffee shop with a booming voice commanding the old dudes to leave.

The room becomes silent. The old dudes stare at the Apprentice in fear. Dr. StrangeJob looks at the Apprentice sternly and quietly reminds him that Madi was all about non-violence and reminds him to stick with the plan. The Apprentice saunters closer to the old dudes and quietly sits down next to them, removes his mask, and begins reading a book on the life and teachings of Gandhi.

Breaking the silence, Patti O’Lantern, who is also a practicing trauma specialist, decides to take action in an attempt to defuse the situation, suggesting it is time for the old dudes to be gone. She moves behind Madi’s Apprentice and states calmly and firmly, “Begone! The spirit of Madi compels you. Begone! The spirit of Madi compels you.”

One by one, the remaining InComps members stand facing the old dudes, joining Patti and repeating in unison, “Begone! The spirit of Madi compels you. Begone! The spirit of Madi compels you.”

The old dudes, realizing they are in a no-win situation, quickly skulk out of the coffee shop.

“Now that is what I call passive resistance. Madi would be proud,” declares Dr. StrangeJob, who resists telling the two old dudes where they should stick their crosses as they slither from the coffee shop.

“Foiled again by that damn Apprentice,” says Dude 1, “What are we going to do now?”

“Well, I hear there are drag races this weekend somewhere out by the university,” replies Dude 2, “We didn’t stop them warping our children’s minds during the drag story sessions at the library, but perhaps we can save some of those sinners at their drag races.”

“Well, that was interesting,” says Dr. StrangeJob, looking at his watch. “Damn, it looks like we are running out of time for today’s meeting, but perhaps we can have one more story,” says Dr. StrangeJob, “Do you have anything to share Snoopy?”

“Yes, I do,” says Snoopy, the intrepid investigative reporter from the Spectacle. “Madi was one of the earliest and staunchest supporters of the Spectacle. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that without Madi, the Spectacle might have existed but would not have survived. The last thing Madi said to me was a piece of advice: they told me that memory is a form of time travel and when I miss them, I should just think really hard about a time we’d had together and it would be like seeing them again.”

“That made sense to me,” continues Snoopy, “So the last thing I said to Madi was that I’d be seeing them soon.”

 “That’s so touching Snoopy,” says Dr StrangeJob, “Thanks for sharing. I think that’s a perfect way to end this meeting.”

Holding back tears, Dr StrangeJob adjourns the meeting, saying, “Madi, I will see you soon, kiddo.”

Dr. StrangeJob

Dedication: This episode is dedicated to madeline yakimchuk. This episode was previously published in the Autumn 2023 edition of ‘Magine: Unama’ki / Cape Breton’s Literary Magazine. Sketches are courtesy of Joel Inglis.

Dr. StrangeJob is a satirical blogger, retired educator, social activist, actor, screenwriter, creator of Incompetents Anonymous (IA), and interim leader of the CBLA-InComps. He can be reached at drstrangejob@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @drstrangejob or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/drstrangejob.  Previous InComps episodes can be found @ www.drstrangejob.ca.