To maintain secrecy and avoid suspicion, InComps hold their clandestine meetings at various coffee shops throughout the area. Tim Hortons in the Pier, for example, is so noisy that the group is relatively safe from any form of eavesdropping. The InComps huddle inconspicuously in a corner booth, meticulously camouflaged as a group of 12 steppers holding an after-meeting group discussion. Just another bunch of anonymous caffeine addicts gobbling sugar treats.

Several group members have joined Dr. StrangeJob: Madi, the group’s Chief of Intellectual Guerrilla Activities; Doc Spinolee, a retired professor and intellect of the group; Psycho Sam, the group’s kilt-wearing Communications Officer with a penchant for forest fires; Zippy, the group’s techie; and Miss Mackie, an 80-year-old recently retired schoolteacher.

“Thanks for coming to this emergency meeting,” says Dr. StrangeJob. “As most of you know, I was born and raised in the Pier. I’m concerned that the townies planned a Santa Claus parade with a new route that excludes the Pier. We all know the original Santa parade was started by merchants in the Pier and it’s a tradition that the parade starts or stops in the Pier.”

“It’s all about equality,” clarifies Madi, as her rainbow dyed hair catches the attention of Miss Mackie.

“Interesting dye job,” Miss Mackie whispers to Zippy. “What’s the story there?”

“Oh, Madi came out recently and they came out loud and proud,” replies Zippy.

“You’re sounding a little cliché there aren’t you Zip?” says Miss Mackie.

“No,” retorts Zippy. “In fact, check out Madi’s new glasses! No more progressive or transitional lenses for them. Even their new glasses are clearly bi-focal.”

Dr. StrangeJob continues sharing his concern about the parade and asks for suggestions about what they should do about it.

“I got an idea,’ shouts Psycho Sam. “Let’s blow up the overpass and create our own city. Show those townies that we won’t stand for being treated unfairly.”

“Sorry Sam.” interjects Doc Spinolee, “We only support non-violent civil disobedience. Besides the overpass is no longer the only way to the Pier, there is still SPAR Road.

“Please stop referring to SPAR as SPAR Road,” pleads Miss Mackie. “SPAR stands for Sydney Port Access ROAD, so calling it SPAR Road is redundant!”

“Let’s get back to the topic at hand,” interjects Dr. StrangeJob. “I don’t like the way this whole thing played out. CBRM claims the parade was started from an independent group of townie business owners. However, the Mayor had reached out to the townie business community and CBRM is covering the insurance costs, so this sure sounds like it’s a CBRM event to me! The new Mayor is starting to sound a lot like the old Mayor.”

“You got that right,” says Madi, “and don’t get me started about in-camera meetings, communication blunders or how a call of interests for waterfront development ends up with only one alternative. That’s like posting a job and selecting only one candidate for a public interview.”   

“It’s like we all need someone to look down on,” says Zippy. “The Townies treat the Pier unfairly, CBRM treats the rest of Cape Breton unfairly, and the mainland craps all over the island.”

“You know, the mayor received threats over the parade issue,” interjects Miss Mackie. “That is just so wrong on so many levels”.

“Yeah, that is not who we are,” exclaims Maddi.

“Another cliché! I detest hearing someone say – this is not who we are – whenever something like this happens,” interjects Miss Mackie. “The first step in solving any problem is admitting you have a problem. If this is not who we are, then it’s pretty close to who we are becoming”.

“Hooray,” shouts Zippy, “I just saw a Twitter post saying the parade will now go to the Pier”.

“Well, I guess our Facebook and Twitter posts worked this time,” says Dr. StrangeJob. “But the parade issue is just a symptom of the lack of fairness that is given to the Pier. We still need to fight for the Pier. Besides, if we hadn’t raised a stink bigger than the Steel Plant, then nothing would have changed.”

“Like I said,” shouts Psycho Sam. “Let’s blow up the overpass where it crosses over the SPA Road and shut down both SPAR and the overpass at the same time”. 

“No Sam!” insists Doc Spinolee. “I believe we need to be better informed of our options and like the Doctor just said, we need to look at the big picture. Perhaps we need to talk to someone with experience in equalization and fairness issues.”

“How about someone from the Nova Scotians for Equalization Fairness group?” suggests Zippy. “They have been dealing with Cape Breton equalization underfunding by the Provincial government for over 25 years. They should have some pointers to help us deal with the Pier’s equalization issues.”

“Excellent idea Zippy,” replies Dr. StrangeJob. “I remember Father Maroun from the College of Cape Breton days back in the 70’s. That guy is smart, and he has been fighting the good fight for years.”

“I agree,” say Doc Spinolee. “We need to look at the big picture. This is not just about the Santa Claus parade. It’s about making informed decisions and ensuring trustworthy resources.”

“What do you mean?” asks Zippy.

“Well, if you want to be informed about the issue of equalization, then we have two key sources to choose from,” explains Dr. StrangeJob. “You can trust a 90-year-old educator and Priest who holds four Bachelor’s degrees, two Master’s degrees, plus a PhD or a conglomerate of politicians and business types.”

“We should try to connect with the NSEF,” says Madi, “but that will take some time. We need to think of something that we can do now.”

“I have an idea,” interjects Miss Mackie. “Let’s remove some of those Christmas lights and wreaths from Charlotte Street and put them up in the Pier”.

“You’re not talking about stealing Christmas decorations, are you?” asks Doc Spinolee. “Stealing is not in our mandate!”

“No, don’t think of it as stealing,” answers Miss Mackie. “Think of it as a reallocation of existing resources that, as taxpayers, we have all paid for. I was downtown yesterday and there were Christmas wreaths and lights hanging all over Charlotte Street. Walk around the Pier and you don’t see near the same amount.”

“Hey, this is like we were going to do with the hanging flower baskets a few years ago,” explains Madi. “Remember we planned to take, or should I say liberate, the flower baskets from downtown and drop them off at the seniors’ complex.”

“I remember that” says Zippy. “But it seems unfair to just take the wreaths and not replace them with something.”

“Good point Zippy,” notes Dr StrangeJob. “With the flower baskets, we decided to replace them with kale baskets for free food. Perhaps we have an opportunity to make the point that there is life on the other side of the overpass. Any ideas?”

“Well, in the Christmas spirit of Santa knowing who is naughty or nice,” muses Miss Mackie. “Let’s replace the existing wreaths in town with wreaths made of chunks of coal. That will send the message that they are not being nice to the rest of us”.

“Brilliant!”  exclaims Dr. StrangeJob, “But let’s make sure we don’t use any coal from the Donkin mine, that would be an accident waiting to happen”.  

“Won’t the new route make for a long walk for the elderly or kids in the parade,” interjects Maddi.

“You can’t please everyone,” says Dr. StrangeJob. “That’s what happens when you are born on the wrong side of the tracks.”

“Enough with the cliches already!” exclaims Miss Mackie.

“Yes, I guess we can do better,” says Dr. StrangeJob. “It might be an uphill battle, but we do need to think outside of the box and perhaps make some tough decisions”. 

“Ignorance is bliss,” muses Miss Mackie.

The end.

This episode was previously published in the Volume 4cedition of ‘Magine: Unama’ki / Cape Breton’s Literary Magazine

Dr. StrangeJob is a satirical blogger, retired educator, social activist, actor, screenwriter, creator of Incompetents Anonymous (IA), and interim leader of the CBLA-InComps. He can be reached at drstrangejob@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @drstrangejob or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/drstrangejob.  Previous InComps episodes can be found @ www.drstrangejob.ca.