The Archives: New Element Administratium

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major Canadian research university. The element, tentatively called administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic number of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best managed buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1996.

Dr. StrangeJob

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The Archives: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)

To: All Employees

From: Management

In order to ensure we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add you to our BASIS UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF TRAINING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank You

Boss in General

Special High Intensity Training

(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

P.S. With the personality some of you display around here you could easily become the DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.P.)

P.S to the P.S. Refer to Retire Rage Personnel Early (R.A.P.E.) for additional corporate restructuring policies.

Dr. StrangeJob

Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1989.

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The Archives: Retire Age Personnel Early (R.A.P.E.)

To: All Employees

From: Management

As a result of constant pressure to control cost, we are forced to reduce our current number of employees.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, is being initiated immediately. This program will be known as RAPE (Retired Age Personnel Early).

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of our younger people, who represent the Company’s future.

Employees who have been placed on the potential RAPE list can request a review of their employment records before the actual RAPE occurs. This phase of the new policy is called SCREW (Survey Capabilities of Retiring early Workers).

Any employee who is scheduled for RAPE, whether or not they have requested a SCREW, may request a review of their case by upper management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority For Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee can be SCREWED twice (with or without request), SHAFTED as many times as the company seems necessary, but may only be RAPED once.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payments) following their RAPE, unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependence or Spouse). Since HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who receives HERPES or CLAP as a result of their RAPE will no longer be eligible to be SCREWED or SHAFTED.

Management wishes to assure those younger employees who are not eligible to be RAPED, SCREWED, or SHAFTED, that the company has not forgotten them. To ensure the motivation and morale of our younger employees, the company has also instituted a new program called SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We are committed to giving more SHIT to our employees than any other Company in the area. Each employee should contact their supervisor immediately. All supervisors have been trained to make sure each employee receives all the SHIT they can possibly handle.

Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1990.

Dr. StrangeJob

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