Here is a work shit file entry from 1992 that verifies what you may have already suspected – Dr StrangeJob has a history of being a pain in the ass employee.

It was personal development (PD) request time at the office. The annual event would commence with an all points bulletin asking employees to submit PD preferences and end with the boss’s buddies being approved for free travel away from the office. It may have been my perception, but the selection criteria appeared more related to who you know, rather than what you need to know. As a lark, I submitted the following request for training.

To: Supervisor at the time
From:  Dr StrangeJob’s alias at the time
Date: 27 March 1992
Subject: Strengthening Your Business Writing Skills
——————————————————————————————————————————-
Attached is an outline for a course entitled Strengthening Your Business Writing Skills. Although adequate in this area, I feel that I could increase my efficiency in this skill by taking this particular course.

Kindly keep this in mind as you consider your plans for staff training for 1992. Wit dis course me thinks dat me could do mor better reports fo youse.

cc: Boss’s boss at the time

Yes, I actually submitted the above to my supervisor. My request was not approved, but I did enjoy a quiet week at the office when the boss and their buddies were away on a training course.

Dr. StrangeJob

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We all know that knowledge, hard work, and attitude are key attributes of success, at least that is what they preach to us in school. Unfortunately, it is not until we spend time in the real world that we discover that all in not fair when it comes to succeeding in the workplace. Here is a mathematical exercise that verifies what I had always suspected – bullshit is a better indicator of success than knowledge, hard work, or attitude.

Begin by assigning each letter of the alphabet a consecutive number ranging from 1 through 26 (A=1, B=2, C=3 … Z=26). Next, apply the numerical code to each letter of a known success indicator, sum the results, and calculate our Percent Indicator of Immediate Success (PISS) score. The higher the PISS score, the greater chance of workplace success. Let’s start by calculating PISS scores for the success indicators of knowledge, hard work, and attitude.

KNOWLEDGE= 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

HARD WORK= 8+1 +18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

ATTITUDE= 1 +20+20+9+20+21 +4+5 = 100%

Knowledge, hard work, and attitude produce perfect or near perfect PISS scores. This is great news and supports what we have been schooled to believe. Unfortunately, there are other, not so positive, success indicators that have proven to be even more effective indicators of workplace success.

BULLSHIT=2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

That’s right; bullshit gives you that little extra chance of success. Sure, it may seem like a pissy way to get ahead in the workplace, but I guess it could be worse.

A bit of a side rant. The initial source for this post was an old acetate from my work shit files circa 2001. I would often use the overhead as an icebreaker in my university course, until a student took offence to her instructor saying BULLSHIT in class. Apparently, some find the word BULLSHIT to be rather offensive. So much so, I was recently censored for using BULLSHIT on a local community website. Hell, you’d think I was using one of the seven dirty words that you are not supposed to use in the media.

Back to the blog. There was no source listed on the acetate from my work shit file, but an online search did turn up a reference by Gerry Rachar that took the formula a few steps further. According to Gerry, ass kissing is even more efficient that bullshitting.

ASS KISSING=1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

Perhaps I was correct in earlier posts when I discussed the impact of brown-nosing and the brown-nose nose-diving effect. Still, it’s too bad we can’t just tell the bullshitters and brown-nosers of the world to PISS off, because, just like at the office, they have the numbers on their side.

There is a positive side to this discussion. According to Gerry’s calculations, youth and exuberance (206%) will always overcome old age and treachery (153%). There may be hope for us after all. Until then, keep your shorts dry and your PISS scores below 101%.

Dr. StrangeJob

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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major Canadian research university. The element, tentatively called administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic number of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best managed buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1996.

Dr. StrangeJob

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To: All Employees

From: Management

In order to ensure we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add you to our BASIS UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF TRAINING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank You

Boss in General

Special High Intensity Training

(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

P.S. With the personality some of you display around here you could easily become the DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.P.)

P.S to the P.S. Refer to Retire Rage Personnel Early (R.A.P.E.) for additional corporate restructuring policies.

Dr. StrangeJob

Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1989.

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To: All Employees

From: Management

As a result of constant pressure to control cost, we are forced to reduce our current number of employees.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, is being initiated immediately. This program will be known as RAPE (Retired Age Personnel Early).

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of our younger people, who represent the Company’s future.

Employees who have been placed on the potential RAPE list can request a review of their employment records before the actual RAPE occurs. This phase of the new policy is called SCREW (Survey Capabilities of Retiring early Workers).

Any employee who is scheduled for RAPE, whether or not they have requested a SCREW, may request a review of their case by upper management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority For Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee can be SCREWED twice (with or without request), SHAFTED as many times as the company seems necessary, but may only be RAPED once.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payments) following their RAPE, unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependence or Spouse). Since HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who receives HERPES or CLAP as a result of their RAPE will no longer be eligible to be SCREWED or SHAFTED.

Management wishes to assure those younger employees who are not eligible to be RAPED, SCREWED, or SHAFTED, that the company has not forgotten them. To ensure the motivation and morale of our younger employees, the company has also instituted a new program called SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We are committed to giving more SHIT to our employees than any other Company in the area. Each employee should contact their supervisor immediately. All supervisors have been trained to make sure each employee receives all the SHIT they can possibly handle.

Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1990.

Dr. StrangeJob

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