Bullshit, brown nosing, and the other 3%

We all know that knowledge, hard work, and attitude are key attributes of success, at least that is what they preach to us in school. Unfortunately, it is not until we spend time in the real world that we discover that all in not fair when it comes to succeeding in the workplace. Here is a mathematical exercise that verifies what I had always suspected – bullshit is a better indicator of success than knowledge, hard work, or attitude.

Begin by assigning each letter of the alphabet a consecutive number ranging from 1 through 26 (A=1, B=2, C=3 … Z=26). Next, apply the numerical code to each letter of a known success indicator, sum the results, and calculate our Percent Indicator of Immediate Success (PISS) score. The higher the PISS score, the greater chance of workplace success. Let’s start by calculating PISS scores for the success indicators of knowledge, hard work, and attitude.

KNOWLEDGE= 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

HARD WORK= 8+1 +18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

ATTITUDE= 1 +20+20+9+20+21 +4+5 = 100%

Knowledge, hard work, and attitude produce perfect or near perfect PISS scores. This is great news and supports what we have been schooled to believe. Unfortunately, there are other, not so positive, success indicators that have proven to be even more effective indicators of workplace success.

BULLSHIT=2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

That’s right; bullshit gives you that little extra chance of success. Sure, it may seem like a pissy way to get ahead in the workplace, but I guess it could be worse.

A bit of a side rant. The initial source for this post was an old acetate from my work shit files circa 2001. I would often use the overhead as an icebreaker in my university course, until a student took offence to her instructor saying BULLSHIT in class. Apparently, some find the word BULLSHIT to be rather offensive. So much so, I was recently censored for using BULLSHIT on a local community website. Hell, you’d think I was using one of the seven dirty words that you are not supposed to use in the media.

Back to the blog. There was no source listed on the acetate from my work shit file, but an online search did turn up a reference by Gerry Rachar that took the formula a few steps further. According to Gerry, ass kissing is even more efficient that bullshitting.

ASS KISSING=1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

Perhaps I was correct in earlier posts when I discussed the impact of brown-nosing and the brown-nose nose-diving effect. Still, it’s too bad we can’t just tell the bullshitters and brown-nosers of the world to PISS off, because, just like at the office, they have the numbers on their side.

There is a positive side to this discussion. According to Gerry’s calculations, youth and exuberance (206%) will always overcome old age and treachery (153%). There may be hope for us after all. Until then, keep your shorts dry and your PISS scores below 101%.

Dr. StrangeJob

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