To: All Employees
As a result of constant pressure to control cost, we are forced to reduce our current number of employees.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, is being initiated immediately. This program will be known as RAPE (Retired Age Personnel Early).
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of our younger people, who represent the Company’s future.
Employees who have been placed on the potential RAPE list can request a review of their employment records before the actual RAPE occurs. This phase of the new policy is called SCREW (Survey Capabilities of Retiring early Workers).
Any employee who is scheduled for RAPE, whether or not they have requested a SCREW, may request a review of their case by upper management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority For Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee can be SCREWED twice (with or without request), SHAFTED as many times as the company seems necessary, but may only be RAPED once.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payments) following their RAPE, unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependence or Spouse). Since HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who receives HERPES or CLAP as a result of their RAPE will no longer be eligible to be SCREWED or SHAFTED.
Management wishes to assure those younger employees who are not eligible to be RAPED, SCREWED, or SHAFTED, that the company has not forgotten them. To ensure the motivation and morale of our younger employees, the company has also instituted a new program called SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We are committed to giving more SHIT to our employees than any other Company in the area. Each employee should contact their supervisor immediately. All supervisors have been trained to make sure each employee receives all the SHIT they can possibly handle.
Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1990.
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