Monthly Archives: August 2017

THEY vs THEM – InComps Episode 6

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Dr StrangeJob worries about his little brother Psycho Sam. Sam has not been heard from since he begrudgingly agreed to a date with Ms Lied-Toomey two weeks ago. To make matters worse, Ms Lied-Toomey does not answer the Doctor’s text messages and all attempts to contact her at work receive “Out of Office” replies. Apparently, Ms Lied-Toomey called in sick the morning after her date with Sam, and nobody has heard from her since either.

A tired and troubled Dr StrangeJob attempts to relax on his front porch listening to Matt Minglewood and falls asleep, dreaming of superheroes…

What if InComps became a superhero group charged with thwarting evil wrongdoers of Cape Breton? Who would they be?

That’s easy. Capers always end their grumblings by asking for the same group of heroes to come to their aid. Eavesdrop in any Cape Breton tavern or coffee shop and you will hear the same response to any problem:

Unemployment – they need to do something about it.

Health care – they need to fix it.

Poverty – they need to help.

Crooked politicians – they need to deal with them.

Any other problem – they need to address it.

So, it’s obvious that the superhero group are THEY (The Heroes Everyone Yearns), but who exactly are THEY? They are an elite subgroup of InComps members who use their special powers to thwart evil. Their special powers, however, are not unearthly superpowers, but powers based on individual characteristics.

Zippy, for example, becomes Flash, with his ability to temporarily blind villains using his high-intensity camera flash. Miss Mackie is The Eye, with power to freeze politicians in mid-lie, forcing them to tell the truth with The Look she developed over a 50-year teaching career. Grant, a newer InComps member, is a blacksmith and iron worker who serves as the group’s Ironman. Sir Joe Spam-Alot is the Real TweetHeart and continues to get the word out in 140 characters or less, continues to get the word out in 140 characters or less, continues to get the word out in 140 characters or less …

Doctor Spinolee, Riddler, annihilates bureaucratic policy through logical inquisition. Andre, The Green Thumb, beats swords into plowshares for green spaces. In other cases, the hero’s name is self-explanatory: Madi (Shit Disturber) and Dan (Bullshitter) are collectively known as the InComp-poops. Wayne, another new member, is the Libel-Libertarian, he has survived death and is willing to follow suit in support of the cause.

All superheroes oppose a supervillain group. Again, listening to tidbits of Timbit-fueled Caper conversation we glean the name of the true villains of Cape Breton:

It was them.

It’s them damn politicians.

Oh, them again.

Them dirty little buggers.

Them’s to blame.

So, it’s clear that our villains are THEM (The Hateful Elite Mongers), but who exactly are THEM? Well, we all know who they are, don’t we?

We are THEY, THEY have seen the enemy, and the enemy is THEM.

Screeeeeeeech!!!

This episode has gone more off kilter than Mr. Robot’s Season 2 Episode 6 sitcom parody or that insane musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean, come on, a superhero group! Has Dr StrangeJob run out of story ideas or has InComps lost their way?

Besides, Cape Breton already has a set of superheroes fighting for truth, equality, and transparency: Mary Campbell and  The Cape Breton Spectator fight for transparency; Madonna Doucette makes us proud; and the Three Wise Women of Council keep a watchful eye on the CBRM Mayor and Administration. These are only a few examples of the many workers, volunteers, neighbours, and dedicated grassroot organizers standing up for Cape Breton justice.

“Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand…” sings Ken C., breaking into song at the mere mention of the Mayor, forcing StrangeJob to relive the events of KaleFest 2017 and Psycho Sam: A Flash in the Cam.

“No, No, not the kilt, not the kilt,” mutters Dr StrangeJob, startled from his dream state as Officer Richard (Dick) Less pulls into the driveway.

“Not you again,” says StrangeJob. “What are you going to arrest me for this time?”

“I am not here for you,” says Officer Dick Less. “Ms Lied-Toomey asked me to drop by with Sam’s laundry and pick up his mail.”

“What!” exclaims StrangeJob. “We have been worried sick about him, and you show up to collect his mail. Where is he?”

“I am not at liberty to say,” says Dick Less, handing a laundry sack to StrangeJob. “But he was smiling the last time I saw him, which reminds me, where can I pick up his asthma medications?” 

Dr StrangeJob accepts the laundry, opens the front door and shouts, “Hey Ma, that psycho son of yours has fallen in love again, and Dick Less wants his mail.”

“Stop picking on your little brother,” replies Miss Mackie. “It’s not his fault that the girls you fancy fall for him instead.”

Meanwhile, Alan “Fritz” Smithee, reviewing footage from the hidden camera attached to Psycho Sam’s kilt, contemplates his next film project.

… end of InComps Volume 1

InCompsLOGO

Competence is our final frontier. Join the farce and support the journey of the CBLA-InComps. Their mission: to expel incompetence, to seek out the competent, and to boldly go where Caper heroes have gone before. We are legion. We know who you are. We are going to the Legion.

 

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Psycho Sam: A Flash in the Cam – InComps Episode 5

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“Thanks for travelling all the way to Donkin Donuts for today’s special meeting,” says Dr StrangeJob. “I’m on recon for our pending mission on unsafe mining conditions, so I thought a field trip would lighten the group’s mood and get us out of the pits.”

“Well next time, count me out,” grumps Miss Mackie. “Police pulled me over on the way and gave me 39 safety citations for the car.”

“Are you still driving that old Ford Pinto?” asks StrangeJob. “Didn’t those cars have a problem with exploding fuel tanks?

“You got a car that blows up!” exclaims Psycho Sam. “Cool, can I get a drive home with you?”

“Don’t be silly,” replies Miss Mackie. “Who in their right mind would put themselves in an exploding chamber without proper safety protection?”

“What did they cite you for?” asks Madi.

“Minor things,” says Mackie, “no emergency brake, leaking radiator, no seatbelts, missing spare tire, lost documentation, and a few other safety issues that didn’t stop me from getting here.”

“So, you are driving an unsafe vehicle, a potential health hazard for passengers!” quips Zippy.

“Well, when you say it like that, yes,” replies Mackie, “but that didn’t stop you from hitching a free ride.”

“You’re lucky they didn’t revoke your permit,” says Madi.

“Permit?  inquires Mackie. “That’s just government cover your ass paperwork. Besides I drive too fast to get rear ended anyway.”

“Let’s get back on topic,” says StrangeJob. “Today’s special meeting was called to present the inaugural InComps Member of the Year Award. I am proud to present the award to my little brother, Psycho Sam.”

“Psycho Sam?” questions Zippy.

“I didn’t apply for any award,” says Psycho Sam.

“NEPOTISM!” exclaims Madi. “What was the selection process for this award?”

“Was seniority counted as a factor in the selection process?” asks Miss Mackie.

“Didn’t you get Dan’s memo?” StrangeJob asks, bewildered. “I had Dan send the group a note highlighting the seriousness of Psycho Sam’s next mission. The award is an incentive to encourage Sam to accept the mission.”

“Well, we all received a stupid PowerPoint attachment from Dan,” snarks Madi, “but nobody pays attention to his boring PowerPoints. Next, you will be giving him the communicator of the year award. Hell, you might as well just pat yourself on the back.”

“Ok, it’s fess up time,” says StrangeJob, deciding to come clean with the group. “We weren’t arrested at KaleFest 2017 only because I made a deal with Ms Lied-Toomey. CBRM will not pursue charges against Andre Le Pouce Vert, and have also agreed to return the thumb drive I left at City Hall.”

“What’s our side of the deal?” asks Madi.

“Well, that’s where Psycho Sam comes in,” explains StrangeJob. “It appears that Ms. Lied-Toomey, a huge Outlander fan, was impressed with the security footage of Psycho Sam at KaleFest 2017.  All she wants in return is a date with Sam.”

“I don’t do dates!” exclaims Psycho Sam.

“I’ll do it if he doesn’t,” interjects Zippy.

“Sorry Zippy, Ms. Lied-Toomey was clear that she wants Sam, I mean she really, really wants Sam!” says StrangeJob.

“Does anyone have a picture of Ms. Lied-Toomey?” asks Psycho Sam.

“You can’t just send him on a date without any support,” says Madi.

“Well, I thought of that,” says StrangeJob. “I discussed training options with a teacher who recommended an online place called Duck University. Duck U has a certificate in Lifestyle Coaching that might be helpful.”

“Duck U?” asks Miss Mackie. “Is that the place selling bird courses on DVD for teachers to upgrade their licence? I don’t want anything to do with that outfit.”

“No, Duck U is the sister university of that one,” says StrangeJob. “Duck U has a co-op option, and I am arranging to have an intern from their Lifestyle Coach certificate do a work placement with Sam.”

“Can I get a copy of the DVDs?” asks Zippy.

“Let me get this straight,” says Madi. “You are getting a Duck U intern to help Psycho Sam with a date!”

“Duck University Intern?” puzzles Zippy. “Sam needs a DUI to go on a date?”

“And you question my driving!” says Miss Mackie. “I never had a DUI! The occasional glass of wine, but never a DUI.”

Psycho Sam, looking more panicked, shouts, “Maybe I don’t want to date Ms. Lied-Toomey!”

“Don’t worry Sam,” consoles Dr StrangeJob. “You know I wouldn’t ask you to do anything that I would not do myself. It’s just a date. The DUI will help, and Alan ‘Fritz’ Smithee said he would hook you up so we can communicate as necessary.”

“You mean I am going to be hot?” asks Psycho Sam.

“Well, Sam, that’s the general idea,” chuckles StrangeJob, “but just to be sure, I ordered the first two seasons of Outlander for you to binge watch as homework.”

Meanwhile, back in her Outlander décor bedroom, Ms. Lied-Toomey develops plans for a CBRM Outlander Theme Park. Situated in a refurbished P3 school, the Park will target cruise ship visitors while mining Federal and Provincial funds. It will be an easy sell. Early projections suggest the need for a third birth just for the additional cruise ship traffic, and, besides, it’s not like the Mayor has ever had trouble coercing Council into supporting an outlandish project.

“So, little brother, will you accept the date, or do I tell mom who really stole her kale?” asks StrangeJob.

… to be continued

InCompsLOGO

Competence is our final frontier. Join the farce and support the journey of the CBLA-InComps. Their mission: to expel incompetence, to seek out the competent, and to boldly go where Caper heroes have gone before. We are legion. We know who you are. We are going to the Legion.

 

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Cape Breton Kale-Lee – InComps Episode 4

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While Dr StrangeJob was discussing future InComps episodes with Madi, he received a text message from Andre Le Pouce Vert.

“Andre has about 30 kale-for-the-picking bins ready to go,” reports StrangeJob. “Looks like we’re ready to execute operation Let Them Eat Flowers.”

“No, we need to abort that mission,” says Madi. “Didn’t you hear? CBRM workers replaced the Mayor’s beautification flower-baskets with kale-for-the-picking bins all over town!”

“What?” blurts StrangeJob.

“Yeah, and their kale-for-the-picking bins look exactly like the prototype we put up in front of City Hall,” says Madi. “They even distributed the original flower baskets to local senior citizen complexes, just like we had planned.”

“I bet I know what happened,” chuckles StrangeJob. “At my meeting last week with Ms Lied-Toomey, I learned she obtained a leaked a copy of our Let Them Eat Flowers plans and forwarded the plans to the managerial brass at City Hall as a high priority item—I guess they took her literally and executed the plans for us.”

“Well, on to our next adventure then,” says Madi. “But I feel bad for Andre. He puts his heart into providing healthy food choices for folks, and now he has 30 bins of kale going to waste.”

“I have an idea,” says StrangeJob. “Let’s have a Kale-Lee!”

“Do you mean ceilidh?” asks Madi.

“No, not a ceilidh. I mean a good old fashion Cape Breton Kale-Lee,” says StrangeJob.  “You know, kind of like Sydney RibFest, but with kale instead of ribs. The vegans will love it.”

“Cool. And there’s a cruise ship in port this afternoon, so why don’t we set something up for later today?” says Madi.

“Ok, I’ll text Andre to deliver the kale to the Big Fiddle and buy us some time to organize an event,” says StrangeJob.

… three hours later

Andre had his kale-for-the-picking bins strategically arranged around the Big Fiddle with an hour to spare. Since that left ample time for a quick 5K run before KaleFest 2017, he started a warmup routine just as a Port Authority security guard approached him.

“Excuse me, sir, but what are you doing with all of that green stuff?” asks the guard pointing to the 30 kale-for-the-picking bins.

“Ils sont ici pour le Kale-Lee cet après-midi,” says Andre, continuing his warm up.

“Pardon?” asks the guard.

“Tu ne parle pas le français, n’est-ce pas?” says Andre, stepping up the pace of his stretches and jumping jacks.

The guard, showing obvious signs of distress as Andre accelerated his squats and flailing arm movements, asks, “Do you speak English?”

“Pardon, je ne parle pas l’anglais aujourd’hui,” teases Andre as he starts running on the spot.

The guard speaks slowly into his walkie-talkie, “Central, we have a problem! There is a wild and crazy dude down here speaking a foreign language. I’m backing off, call the police.”

… one hour later

KaleFest 2017 was in full swing: Miss Mackie had just arrived with her industrial sized cooling fan to keep the kale from wilting, Madi’s “kale chewing” contest was a hit, tourists lined up at Zippy’s photo booth to pose with a kilted Psycho Sam, and Dr StrangeJob dropped off singer/songwriter Kenny C (not G) to perform a set of Cape Breton Protest Songs Volume 1 and Volume 2.

Kenny tunes up with a rousing chorus of, “Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand…”

“So, did Security give you any trouble setting up the kale?” StrangeJob asks Andre.

“No b’ye, I just spoke in French with my Quebec dialect and scared him off,” responds Andre. “I bought us some time, but I bet the cops will be here soon.”

“Hey, who are those two guys with the movie camera standing next to Zippy’s photo booth?” asks Madi.

“Oh, that’s Alan ‘Fritz’ Smithee and his sound guy Clappy from the CrapDance Channel,” says StrangeJob. “They’re doing a documentary on InComps.”

“Too bad they didn’t get you on film when we were stuck in the trunk of Miss MacKie’s car,” says Madi. “That was a crapdance moment if ever I saw one”.

Kenny, sings in the background, “Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand …”

“Hey, that guy is pretty good, but didn’t he sing that song already?” asks a tourist to one of Kenny’s fawning groupies.

“Well, like yeah, someone must have mentioned the Mayor’s name again,” replies the groupie. “I mean like, don’t you know that Kenny C always sings that song whenever he hears the Mayor’s name, Duh!”

… things continued well with KaleFest 2017, that is, until someone hit the fan.

Zippy was snapping photos of the kilted Psycho Sam posing with a family of international tourists when Miss Mackie plugged in her industrial sized cooling fan. The resulting image of Psycho Sam with kilt blown from under set a wave of shock and awe through KaleFest 2017.

At this exact moment Officer Richard “Dick” Less arrived to deal with the “wild and crazy dude” running around scaring the bejeezus out of tourists. “Dear God!” gasped Dick Less, as the image of Psycho Sam channeling Marylyn Monroe’s blowing white dress implanted permanently in his brain. Poor Dick Less, he never felt SO, So, so inadequate.

“Tell me we got that on film!” exclaims director Alan ‘Fritz’ Smithee to Clappy.“ I just got an idea for my next movie.”

“Can you tell me how to get to the Mayor’s office?” a stranger asks Kenny, who breaks into another chorus of, “Stand up. Stand up for justice and break the tyrant’s hand…”

Pandemonium ensued by the Big Fiddle: tourists ran around snapping photos; Kenny’s groupies swarmed Zippy’s photo booth; Miss Mackie fainted; Madi’s dog, Kali, charged Psycho Sam’s kilt, and Dr StrangeJob received an unexpected text message from Ms Lied-Toomey.

Apparently, Ms Lied-Toomey, a huge Outlander fan, had been monitoring KaleFest 2017 via the port security camera ever since the guard called about the “wild and crazy dude.” The vision of an up-kilted Psycho Sam was too much for her to handle. After repeated pause/play of security footage and a few deep breaths, Ms Lied-Toomey knew what had to be done and sent the following text to Dr StrangeJob.

“Can you hook me up with Psycho Sam?”

Dr StrangeJob was considering his response to Ms Lied-Toomey’s when Ken started his third encore.

“We went on a march to the government, so do whatever it takes. You gotta do whatever it takes. You gotta do whatever it takes…”

Inspired by Kenny’s song, Dr StrangeJob looked at his little brother Psycho Sam, smiled mischievously, and replied to Ms Lied-Toomey’s text.

… to be continued in Episode 5: Psycho Sam Takes One for the Team!

InCompsLOGO

Competence is our final frontier. Join the farce and support the journey of the CBLA-InComps. Their mission: to expel incompetence, to seek out the competent, and to boldly go where Caper heroes have gone before. We are legion. We know who you are. We are going to the Legion.

Find Dr StrangeJob on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/drstrangejob
Follow Dr StrangeJob on Twitter at https://twitter.com/drstrangejob
Learn more about Dr StrangeJob at www.drstrangejob.ca