The good news for Dr. Seuss fans is that he has just published a new book. The bad news for Dr. Seuss is that he has been dead since 1991, and, as such, was unable to provide editorial approval of the new manuscript – not to mention negotiate appropriate royalties. Dr. Seuss is neither the first, nor last, to be published posthumously; however, this recent trend of posthumous publications has become a controversial topic in the literary world. Some argue that the publication of exhumed manuscripts is nothing more than a money grab, while others see such publications as the divine right of the reading public. There are arguments for and against posthumous publications, but they all depend on which side of the royalty fence you pay your rent.

The Doctor knows which side of the royalty fence he sits on, and he fully appreciates the magnitude of the devastating loss should his literary exploits become suddenly extinct. Although he would prefer to achieve immortality by not dying, he is cognizant that this is somewhat unlikely. That said, he is currently reviewing the original-text edition of Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein, published 158 years after her death, hoping to unearth the secret of longevity. His goal is to make it past 100 years of age because statistically speaking very few people die past 100 years of age.

The Doctor is compelled to elucidate his final wishes on this issue. In so doing, he will safeguard his legacy in the annals of the literary world, rather than becoming a mere footnote in the anals of satirical literature. Dr. StrangeJob therefore grants complete control of all his literary works to Pepper, the only other sentient being that truly understands his work. The Doctor has complete faith in Pepper. She, and she alone, will control the fate of all of the Doctor’s posthumous publications. If she determines any of the Doctor’s work is crap, then she is welcome to use it in her litterbox and be the first to shit on it. If, on the other hand, she sees the inherent purr-fection in the material, causing her to paws in wonder, then she is welcome to exploit it to its full potential.

The Doctor has also taken precautions to safeguard his existing volumes of work, and he will continue to store all subsequent material on a thumb drive that will be bequeathed to Pepper. In essence, Pepper will be Dr. StrangeJob’s “Cat with the .Dat”.

I may have limited control over my posthumous publications, but I pledge not to publish post-humorously, at least not before my rent is due.

I do like greenbacks with no shame,
but no sham I am.
I do not like sham.
Sham-less I am.

Check here for the definitive reading of the Dr. Seuss classic Green Eggs and Ham.

Dr. StrangeJob

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The Peter Principle: In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.

The Peter Principle was first published in 1969 by Dr. Lawrence J. Peter and Raymond Hull. Apparently, it has really caught on since then.

The classic example of the Peter Principle can be found in the field of education; take, for example, the competent teacher whose lack of administrative skills become painfully evident after she or he is promoted to principal. If the promotion causes significant disruption in the workplace, then the principal is either promoted to district manager, or remains in a state of incompetent stagnation until retirement. Simply put, given any hierarchy, all employees tend to rise to their level of incompetence.

The Peter Principle does not discriminate against race, age, sex, or political party (OK, maybe by political affiliation). Look to any hierarchical organization in which you belong to witness the Peter Principle in practice. Gaze down the organizational ladder and you will see competent employees in search of a promotion, or incompetent employees likely to receive a promotion. Gaze upwards on the organizational ladder and you will find incompetent employees in search of a golden handshake, or competent ones about to be downsized. Gaze in the mirror to determine your own competence level, but do not be fooled by what you see.

If you cannot evaluate your own competence level, then you may have already reached your level of incompetence within that particular hierarchical structure. However, if you can determine your competence level, then there still may be hope for you – unless, of course, you are incompetent at judging competence.

It’s a Catch 22. If you can see incompetence within the hierarchy, then you may not have reached your level of incompetence. If, on the other hand, you cannot see incompetence, then you are likely already there. In other words, you are either in on the joke of Dr. StrangeJob, or you are a part of the joke of Dr. StrangeJob. If you are in on the joke, then tag along for the ride. If you are a part of the joke, then you probably stopped reading and are likely beyond redemption.

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Dr. StrangeJob went to high school in the mid-seventies. Coincidently, that was the same time that marijuana became the recreational drug of choice for many in his age group. To suggest that the Doctor was a pothead would be a tenuous overstatement, but he does concede there were a number of purple haze high-school daze not totally accounted for. Yes, he inhaled.

Arriving home from school one day, he was confronted by his mother in an extreme state of agitation, waving a baggie of pot that she found in the laundry basket. To be fair, she may have been quite calm at the time. To be honest, since the Doctor was slightly buzzed, what he saw was more like the Tasmanian devil on crack gesticulating a baggie full of weed and pointing accusatorily.

He told her that it was not his pot, but to no avail. They decided to wait until his father arrived home from work to continue the conversation, but she assured the Doctor that there would be hell to pay.

The Doctor’s father was a welder at the local steel plant. He put in a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay, so he was both tired and startled when met at the door by his wife still waving the baggie of marijuana. His father was always quick on his feet, but the side-glance he gave to his son was most telling. Two things became abundantly clear: First, it was the father’s weed that was found in the laundry. Second, the father was about to be in bigger shit with his wife than his son could ever possibly be with his mother. The look on his face said it all, but what happened next surprised father, mother, and son.

The young Doctor, in an Oscar worthy performance, admitted the pot was his and took full responsibility for his actions. The father, in another Oscar worthy performance, provided a sternly worded sermon on the ills of drug use whilst handing out punishment that appeased his wife, but not overly chastised the son.

The father took the son aside a few days later and provided him with a learning script that he follows to this day: If you are being thrown out of town, then get in front and make it look like a parade in your honor. The Doctor was grounded for two weeks. The father, on the other hand, had to flush his weed down the toilet.

Happy Father’s Day. I am not sure where you are, but here’s hoping that you are happy and high.

Watch my standup version of this routine from 2016.

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The Hay System is a standardized job evaluation methodology used by corporations and organizations throughout North America. A successful Hay implementation will provide local HR departments with the requisite gobbledygook needed to validate predetermined pay scales, along with copious amounts of convoluted graphs and charts used to justify exuberant salaries of political cronies, close friends, and senior management.

The cost of implementing the Hay system is offset by the savings recouped through the rationalization of rank-and-file employees in a process referred to as rightsizing, downsizing, or restructuring (i.e. elimination of the competent). The process starts by requiring all rank-and-file employees to qualify, quantify, and meticulously itemize their individual job functions. The process ends with huge fanfare and the release of the updated organizational chart that was pre-approved by senior management prior to the start of the implementation process.

Unless you are already in senior management, there are only two ways to survive the Hay review process. The first is to somehow manage to get yourself promoted to the senior management group. The second is to convince management that you are one of the few rank-and-file employees that they really need. I will discuss the first option in this blog, the latter will be discussed in a future posting.

The art of management promotion involves a complex process known as brown-nosing. The process can be fairly straightforward, especially for those with pre-existing political and/or family connections to the powers that be. This type of promotion requires the newly minted manager to be totally subservient to all the whims of their immediate superior. I have seen this process in action, and it appears to be easier than it sounds. For example: There is rarely a need for independent thinking, and the actual act of brown-nosing usually comes naturally to those involved. To be fair, since the selection committee always knows in advance who to recommend, the hired candidate has already met theses key requirements.

Actually, there is a second way to achieve a management promotion, but I am hesitant to bring it up for moral reasons. Let’s just say that it can involve body parts other than the nose and requires supporting oral, analog, or digital documentation.

I will discuss the second way of beating the system in a future blog, but the old adage, “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance then baffle them with bullshit” is key to that process.

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