Author Archives: Dr. StrangeJob

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About Dr. StrangeJob

If you want to know what happens when the Peter Principle collides with Kurt Vonnegut and Stanley Kubrick then you found the right place.

The Archives: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)

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To: All Employees

From: Management

In order to ensure we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add you to our BASIS UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF TRAINING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank You

Boss in General

Special High Intensity Training

(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

P.S. With the personality some of you display around here you could easily become the DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.P.)

P.S to the P.S. Refer to Retire Rage Personnel Early (R.A.P.E.) for additional corporate restructuring policies.

Dr. StrangeJob

Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1989.

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Obscure Nevermore

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Trolling through the quagmire of fan favorite postings on the Dr. StrangeJob site, the Doctor encountered a most troubling comment relating to his use of “obscure” references. Obscure! That will simply not do. Obscure does not sell books, and what a vague, opaque, ambiguous, unintelligible and arcane comment. This needed to be addressed, so I immediately contacted Professor Irwin Corey, otherwise known as the World’s Foremost Authority.

Obviously, in seeking guidance from the World’s Foremost Authority, the Doctor would glean the answer to his soul-searching question: Why does the Doctor use obscure references? Actually, that’s a two-part question. The first part of the two-part question is “Why”. To be clear, the answer to “Why” is rather complex and likely beyond the technical constraints inherent in a typical blog posting, or, for that matter, beyond the limitations imposed on the mind of the average blog writer. This is not to say there are no definitive answers to that most befuddling question. In fact, the most non-obscure answer to “Why” can be found in Mark Kurlansky’s seminal book entitled What? However, if Kurlansky’s answer is too esoteric, then perhaps the world’s newest foremost authority, Wikipedia, can enlighten the reader to the meaning of why.

What was the question again?

The second part of the two-part question is, “Does the Doctor use obscure references?” The answer to this part of the question is a no-brainer: Yes, the Doctor does use obscure references. However, the intent was always to use more less-obscure references and less more-obscure obscure references – the “I can look it up if I really give a shit” type of obscure reference, as compared to the WTF kind of obscure reference – more or less.

On second thought, perhaps the Doctor does not use obscure references. Take this blog entry for example. The Doctor references the World’s Foremost Authority, a book, Youtube, and Wikipedia. Not to mention ending with a poem that makes reference to a world famous author.

Incidentally, Professor Irwin Cory celebrated his 101 birthday on July 29, 2015. Happy belated birthday. Check here for his lecture on Why.

The Raving
Poe poe pitiful me,
raving raving for evermore,
tis just a wind bag,
only obscure and nothing more.

‘Nevermore’ quoth the Doctor,
obscure he shall quote no more,
raving raving for nevermore,
quoth the Doctor ‘Nevermore’.

Dr. StrangeJob

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The Archives: Retire Age Personnel Early (R.A.P.E.)

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To: All Employees

From: Management

As a result of constant pressure to control cost, we are forced to reduce our current number of employees.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, is being initiated immediately. This program will be known as RAPE (Retired Age Personnel Early).

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of our younger people, who represent the Company’s future.

Employees who have been placed on the potential RAPE list can request a review of their employment records before the actual RAPE occurs. This phase of the new policy is called SCREW (Survey Capabilities of Retiring early Workers).

Any employee who is scheduled for RAPE, whether or not they have requested a SCREW, may request a review of their case by upper management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority For Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee can be SCREWED twice (with or without request), SHAFTED as many times as the company seems necessary, but may only be RAPED once.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payments) following their RAPE, unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependence or Spouse). Since HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who receives HERPES or CLAP as a result of their RAPE will no longer be eligible to be SCREWED or SHAFTED.

Management wishes to assure those younger employees who are not eligible to be RAPED, SCREWED, or SHAFTED, that the company has not forgotten them. To ensure the motivation and morale of our younger employees, the company has also instituted a new program called SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We are committed to giving more SHIT to our employees than any other Company in the area. Each employee should contact their supervisor immediately. All supervisors have been trained to make sure each employee receives all the SHIT they can possibly handle.

Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1990.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Greenbacks and Sham: Dr. Seuss and the Pepper Cat

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The good news for Dr. Seuss fans is that he has just published a new book. The bad news for Dr. Seuss is that he has been dead since 1991, and, as such, was unable to provide editorial approval of the new manuscript – not to mention negotiate appropriate royalties. Dr. Seuss is neither the first, nor last, to be published posthumously; however, this recent trend of posthumous publications has become a controversial topic in the literary world. Some argue that the publication of exhumed manuscripts is nothing more than a money grab, while others see such publications as the divine right of the reading public. There are arguments for and against posthumous publications, but they all depend on which side of the royalty fence you pay your rent.

The Doctor knows which side of the royalty fence he sits on, and he fully appreciates the magnitude of the devastating loss should his literary exploits become suddenly extinct. Although he would prefer to achieve immortality by not dying, he is cognizant that this is somewhat unlikely. That said, he is currently reviewing the original-text edition of Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein, published 158 years after her death, hoping to unearth the secret of longevity. His goal is to make it past 100 years of age because statistically speaking very few people die past 100 years of age.

The Doctor is compelled to elucidate his final wishes on this issue. In so doing, he will safeguard his legacy in the annals of the literary world, rather than becoming a mere footnote in the anals of satirical literature. Dr. StrangeJob therefore grants complete control of all his literary works to Pepper, the only other sentient being that truly understands his work. The Doctor has complete faith in Pepper. She, and she alone, will control the fate of all of the Doctor’s posthumous publications. If she determines any of the Doctor’s work is crap, then she is welcome to use it in her litterbox and be the first to shit on it. If, on the other hand, she sees the inherent purr-fection in the material, causing her to paws in wonder, then she is welcome to exploit it to its full potential.

The Doctor has also taken precautions to safeguard his existing volumes of work, and he will continue to store all subsequent material on a thumb drive that will be bequeathed to Pepper. In essence, Pepper will be Dr. StrangeJob’s “Cat with the .Dat”.

I may have limited control over my posthumous publications, but I pledge not to publish post-humorously, at least not before my rent is due.

I do like greenbacks with no shame,
but no sham I am.
I do not like sham.
Sham-less I am.

Check here for the definitive reading of the Dr. Seuss classic Green Eggs and Ham.

Dr. StrangeJob

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The Add Junk Professor: Genesis VI

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After thirteen years teaching full-time, the Doctor abruptly found himself without a permanent teaching position. This was somewhat surprising, especially since he assumed once a university instructor achieved “ten-year,” they would be set for life. At least that was what he was always told by his tenured colleagues. Not to be daunted, the Doctor rolled with the punches and accepted a management position within the university, but, even then, he was apprehensive about his long term employment survival. He had a nagging suspicion that the system was trying to send him a message – a message that he was just not receiving.

His initial two-year managerial appointment was extended by one year. The one-year extension was then renewed for a six-month term. The six-month term was followed by a second six-month term. At this point, the institution was reorganized. As a result of the reorganization, the second six-month term was renewed for an additional three months. It was at this point that the Doctor finally got the message that had so skillfully alluded him – it was time to consider a career change.

Logically, the next step in the Doctor’s career was semi-retirement, supplemented with part-time teaching. But even then, he was dogged by the same nagging suspicion that something was amiss. Remaining the optimist, the Doctor accepted a four-month, three-course, teaching position. Unfortunately, unlike the previous managerial position, the teaching position was not renewed. However, following a one-month hiatus he was granted a one-month, one course, teaching contract. And so the precarious cycle of employment contracts continued.

The Doctor set a new goal. The goal was to achieve the most appropriate level of academic classification fitting to current academic standards. In pursuit of this new goal, he hastily added irrelevant content, useless exercises, cryptic comments, redundant resources, and seemingly endless drudgery to his existing course syllabi. He knew that by adding tripe, drivel, and assorted rubbish to the process that he would achieve his ultimate academic rank. He is still waiting on official institutional recognition of his newly minted academic status, but he is so confident in his strategy that he has self-declared add-junk professor status.

The Doctor knows a good thing when he sees it. Adjunct professors are now the majority. In fact, adjuncts account for 76.4 percent of U.S. faculty across all institutional types. In Canada, it is estimated that more than half of all undergraduates are taught by contract faculty and part-time faculty out-number full-time faculty more than two-to-one. There is power in numbers, and once the new precariat class of academics become organized, then all hell will break loose in academia. In fact, the movement has already started. The Doctor now has a new cause to champion, so never let it be said that the Doctor grade away or lost his class.

Dr. StrangeJob

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The Pyro and the Psycho: SKL Rekindled

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The Doctor’s inaugural Satirical Knights Live posting is currently burning up the internet (OK, a slight exaggeration), so he decided to further ignite the SKL trail by striking while the irony was still hot. The Doctor knew he required a sizzling second instalment for the explosive series, but who could he turn to for a scorching exposition worthy of the SKL franchise? Coincidently, the Doctor had recently observed the Psychotic Forest Ranger in action, and believed the Ranger’s fiery disposition would be a good match for the Doctor’s dry demeanour.

As you are likely aware, the Psychotic Forest Ranger is a boisterous, squirrel hating, magical compass carrying, killer of litterbug teenagers. As a Forest Ranger, he is particularly adamant about the proper supervision of campfires. Heaven help any beer drinking, sex flaunting, perverted litter-buggering, teenage campfire-neglecter, once the Ranger had them in his magical compass sight.

“This is going to be one hot interview,” at least that is what the Doctor thought. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long to realize that fire and pun are a dangerously combustible combination.

StrangeJob: My cat Pepper is a huge fan of the work you do with squirrels. She is currently dealing with a squirrel infestation around her favorite bird feeder. Do you have any advice for her?

Ranger: If you can’t beat them, then eat them.

StrangeJob: Full disclosure. When I was four years old I was involved with a grass fire.

Ranger: Did you have a permit?

StrangeJob: No permit. Also, when I was five, a friend and I threw lit matches around parked cars.

Ranger: Get a life – not!

StrangeJob: There is no need to be curt. That was many years ago and I learned my lesson. I am just relieved that no one was hurt.

Ranger: I am here to relieve you – of life!

StrangeJob: OK, so I made a few mistakes when I was a little kid. Give it a rest already.

Ranger: I will let you rest – in pieces!

Well, that didn’t go as expected. The Doctor was hoping for a sizzling interview and he ended up with death threats. This is not boding well for the future of SKL. In the first SKL blog, the Doctor managed to piss off the Dude. In the second, he inflamed the Psychotic Forest Ranger. Perhaps he should cancel the planned session with the American Psycho.

Dr. StrangeJob

Note: No squirrels were mutilated or arranged in satanic patterns during the writing of this blog.

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Satirical Knights Live: The Dude Collides

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Fictionalized characters are forced to perform dastardly deeds attributed to them by their makers, or they are required to speak unconscionable words as written by their writers. Quite often, these words and actions are authored without consent from the characters involved. In other words, fictionalized characters do what they are instructed to do and say exactly what they are told to say. In that sense, these marginalized fictionalized characters are much like real-life workers, and, as such, deserve their own support group. Satirical Knights Live (SKL) was created to serve as an ombudsman for the marginalized fictionalized, and also provides a platform for fictionalized characters to air concerns over the injustices propagated against this oft ill quoted group. At least that was the plan.

The Doctor selected Jeff Lebowski as the first interviewee for the SKL series. As you are likely aware, Jeff is considered a hero by many and, as reported by The Stranger, is “quite possibly the laziest [person] in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide”. The Doctor presumed that Mr. Lebowski’s laissez-faire persona would elicit an engaging interview and also serve as a worthy introduction to the SKL series. Wrong on both counts.

Below is a short excerpt from the interview, but please be forewarned, the conversation quickly turned hostile so that the Doctor was forced to end the session rather abruptly.

StrangeJob: Good evening. Shall I call you Jeff or Mr. Lebowski?

Jeff Lebowski: I am not “Mr. Lebowski”. I’m the Dude. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

StrangeJob: Tell us about your college years.

Dude: I spent most of my time occupying various administration buildings… smoking a lot of thai stick… breaking into the ROTC… and bowling. To tell you the truth, I don’t remember most of it.

StrangeJob: Then you probably don’t have a lot to say about the politics of incompetence.

Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.

StrangeJob: If you don’t mind, I would like to focus our discussion on the concept of incompetence in the workplace.

Dude: I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.

StrangeJob: My apologies. Perhaps I was wrong to focus on the concept of incompetence as the topic for this interview.

Dude: You’re not … wrong. You’re just an asshole.

As you can see, the inaugural SKL interview with Jeff Lebowski was less than stellar. I provide the complete source of the transcript for diehard Dude fans, but it is clear from reading the full transcript that the interview, much like a peed-on rug, did little to tie the interview together.

As noted, this was meant to be the first in a series of interviews. In fact, the Doctor has already been in contact with a number of potential interviewees for future entries in the series. However, the Doctor has some trepidation about how those may play out and may need to rethink the future of the series. If I somehow managed to piss off the Dude, of all characters, then I am fearful as to what may transpire during my scheduled sessions with Patrick Bateman of American Psycho or the Psychotic Forest Ranger.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Catch 22: The Peter Principle in Practice

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The Peter Principle: In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.

The Peter Principle was first published in 1969 by Dr. Lawrence J. Peter and Raymond Hull. Apparently, it has really caught on since then.

The classic example of the Peter Principle can be found in the field of education; take, for example, the competent teacher whose lack of administrative skills become painfully evident after she or he is promoted to principal. If the promotion causes significant disruption in the workplace, then the principal is either promoted to district manager, or remains in a state of incompetent stagnation until retirement. Simply put, given any hierarchy, all employees tend to rise to their level of incompetence.

The Peter Principle does not discriminate against race, age, sex, or political party (OK, maybe by political affiliation). Look to any hierarchical organization in which you belong to witness the Peter Principle in practice. Gaze down the organizational ladder and you will see competent employees in search of a promotion, or incompetent employees likely to receive a promotion. Gaze upwards on the organizational ladder and you will find incompetent employees in search of a golden handshake, or competent ones about to be downsized. Gaze in the mirror to determine your own competence level, but do not be fooled by what you see.

If you cannot evaluate your own competence level, then you may have already reached your level of incompetence within that particular hierarchical structure. However, if you can determine your competence level, then there still may be hope for you – unless, of course, you are incompetent at judging competence.

It’s a Catch 22. If you can see incompetence within the hierarchy, then you may not have reached your level of incompetence. If, on the other hand, you cannot see incompetence, then you are likely already there. In other words, you are either in on the joke of Dr. StrangeJob, or you are a part of the joke of Dr. StrangeJob. If you are in on the joke, then tag along for the ride. If you are a part of the joke, then you probably stopped reading and are likely beyond redemption.

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12 +1 Steps of Incompetents Anonymous (Part II) or: The Audacity Prayer and the 12 +1 Steps

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The Audacity Prayer: Grant me the authority to eliminate those that will not follow, the ability to terrorize those that remain, and the audacity not to care about the difference.

Twelve +1 Steps of Incompetents Anonymous

  1. We admitted we were powerless over incompetence – that our hierarchy had become uncontrollable.
  2. Came to believe that senior management, thinking greater of themselves, could restore the hierarchy to complacency.
  3. Made a directive that all minions turn their will and lives over to management care.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our minions.
  5. Admitted to senior management, to HR, and to all fellow employees the exact nature of their wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to remove all defective characters in our way.
  7. Condescendingly demanded minions to remove their inadequacies.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to downsize them all.
  9. Make direct attacks on all who threaten us whenever possible, except when to do so could hurt us or our inner circle.
  10. Continue to take personnel inventory and when they are wrong promptly admit it.
  11. Sought through fear and intimidation to enforce our will on all minions, paying only for the knowledge necessary to increase personal power or the authority to carry that out.
  12. Having had a superiority complex as a result of these steps, we continue to carry the message of inferiority to our minions and to practice these principles in all extramarital affairs.
  13. If you have sincerely worked through the preceding 12 steps and still remain incompetent, then you are basically screwed. Your only recourse will be to follow the advice of Dr. Wilbur Swain (Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.) – “Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don’t you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?”

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12 +1 Steps of Incompetents Anonymous (Part I) or: A Movement is Born

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IA Final Logo A

Incompetents Anonymous (IA) is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from incompetence. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop being incompetent.

Welcome to the first in a series of posts on this exciting new self-help movement. The IA movement borrows heavily from the traditional 12 step recovery process, while taking into account the unique issues surrounding the recovery needs of incompetents. Challenges inherent in dealing with incompetents, as compared to addicts, necessitated the inclusion of at least one additional step in the process. This makes IA the first 12 +1 Step recovery program in existence.

Future posts will discuss the 12+1 Steps of IA in more detail, but first, it is crucial to understand the unique characteristics of incompetents, as compared to addicts, and how those characteristics inspired the movement.

  1. Addicts must hit a personal “bottom” before any true recovery can commence. For those suffering with addiction issues, this bottom is often a very traumatic and most obvious event. Incompetents, on the other hand, tend to be placed fairly high in a hierarchy and are often oblivious to their ills of incompetence. An oblivious incompetent is, obviously, a more difficult nut to crack.
  2. Traditional recovery programs emphasize the anonymous aspect of the process. In most cases, an addict can maintain some form of anonymity. Incompetents, on the other hand, are not anonymous to anyone other than themselves.
  3. A functional addict can still be a competent worker, but the concept of a “functional incompetent” is, in itself, an oxymoron.

Dr. StrangeJob is credited with the development of the 12 +1 Step IA movement. His visionary approach foresaw the need to expand the support function beyond the ills of the mere incompetent. As with an addict, an incompetent can have a devastating effect on friends and family. Additionally, a single incompetent can have a demoralizing effect on the workplace. An addict, for example, can lose control and pee all over themselves, but a single incompetent with managerial control can piss off an entire organization. These concerns dictated the need to develop additional support groups.

Similar to Al-Anon, IA-Anon will provide support to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s incompetence. Alatweet, a sister group to IA-Anon, is an online version of IA-Anon designed for the younger tech savvy sufferer. Dr. StrangeJob also envisioned the need for a unique support group for fellow workers. The adage that your workplace can “drive you to drink” receives its own support group in ACOI (Alcoholic Colleagues of Incompetents). Lastly, IAA (Incompetent Asshole Anonymous), attempts to address the complex issue of severe incompetence combined with the most common personality disorders of the suffering IA member.

Refer to Part II (The Audacity Prayer & 12 +1 Steps) and Part III (IA Membership Drive) for more detail.

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