Author Archives: Dr. StrangeJob

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About Dr. StrangeJob

If you want to know what happens when the Peter Principle collides with Kurt Vonnegut and Stanley Kubrick then you found the right place.

StrangeJoberisms: The Unlimited Birthday Edition

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Dr. StrangeJob forced himself on the world on February 27, 2015 with the following simple, but pathetic prophetic tweet: This is what happens when the Peter Principle collides with Kurt Vonnegut and Stanley Kubrick.

Since that humble beginning, Dr. StrangeJob has spawned Incompetents Anonymous, Satirical Knights Live, Sweet FA’s, and the DIAPER Awards. As a cunning linguist, he has developed new words (example: osmosis-moron or the gradual process of becoming a moron through assimilation), reconceptualised existing words (cronyism: I bet they passed over a lot of good people to get to the ones they hire), and created his own brand of quips, especially suited for twits tweets, that he has dubbed “StrangeJoberisms”.

In recognition of his first birthday, Dr. StrangeJob presents his inaugural collection of “StrangeJoberisms: The Unlimited Birthday Edition”. You may not have asked for them, but you get them anyway.

StrangeJoberisms – Volume I

A best practice management strategy is to keep the employees that hate you away from the ones that don’t know you.

The reason why Twitter is limited to 140 characters is to prevent posts from rambling and using too many bad words or phrases such as “Go fu

It is never the person that says “we need to make tough decisions” that is about to lose their job.

I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be, anyone other than the person I am currently pretending to be.

The trickle-down theory holds that if you feed the hordes enough hoax, some will pass through to the polls for spare votes.

If you claim to be part of the solution, then you probably helped f@#k it up in the first place.

There may be no “I” in TEAM, but there is an “EAT” and a “ME”.

New hires are either yes types or sociopaths, and sociopaths only hire yes types – and so the spiral of strife begins.

CEO may be an acronym for Chief Executive Officer, but it also stands for Cynical Egotistical Opportunist.

The medium is the message – Marshall McLuhan. This message is medium – Dr. StrangeJob.

StrangeJoberisms, or the Doctor for that matter, would not have been possible without the mother behind the pundit, the father behind the misplaced pot, or his brown-nosing incompetent colleagues. Thanks to you all. Please note that first year anniversaries are a perfect time to send the Doctor a free t-shirt .

In the name of blog, of the twitterverse, and of the worldly web. – Blessing of Dr. StrangeJob

Dr. StrangeJob

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Genesis 83: What I learned in Art’s class

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Academics continue to argue about the value of a liberal arts education, while universities continue to witness plunging enrollments in Humanities programs. The current decline of Humanities in post-secondary institutions has caused the Doctor to ponder the true value of his own education. Although the Doctor has had many valued educational learning experiences, the one most relevant to this discussion is the life-lesson learned from his midterm test on an “Introduction to Programming” course back in 1983.

The test was a fairly straightforward two-part assignment. Part “A” presented a typical business accounting problem, and the student was required to write the solution using the course’s programming language. Part “B “of the test presented a similar business problem, but this time the student was required to produce the “program logic flowchart” for the solution, rather that the actual programming code. The test problems were somewhat challenging, but the Doctor instinctively knew that his answers were 100%. That is why it came as a shock when he received his midterm back with a score of ZERO. Needless to say, he was first in line at the instructor’s office to question his failing score.

The instructor agreed that the Doctor’s programming solutions to both problems were indeed correct. So why the ZERO? The instructor explained that the key to solving problems was understanding the true nature of the questions, and, more importantly, following instructions properly. My costly mistake was providing a program flowchart for the question that required computer code, and computer code for the question that required the logic flowchart. Hence, I did not read the instructions properly, I performed the wrong function, and my test paper was worth ZERO.

A life-lesson learned from Instructor Art M’s programming course: Learn how to effectively read and understand basic instructions. But that was not the only lesson gained from taking Art’s class. Apparently, at that point in my education, I not only lacked the ability to effectively read instructions, I was also not able to differentiate an “A” from a “B” on the midterm test questions. In other words, my education was lacking in languages and letters.

The inHumanity of it all!

Ode to Humanities or first they came …….

First they came for Religious Studies, and I did not speak out because I did not teach Religious Studies.

Then they came for Philosophy, and I did not speak out, because I did not teach Philosophy.

Then they came for Language Studies, and I did not speak out because I did not teach Language Studies.

Then they came for the rest of the Humanities, but there were no tenured faculty left to speak for any of us.

Dr. StrangeJob

 

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Tax season and the Sweet FA: 30 cents return on the dollar.

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It’s tax season in Canada and many of the Doctor’s trusting followers are currently debating the pros and cons of Registered Retirement Saving Plans (RRSP) versus Tax-Free Savings Accounts (TSFA). As an alternative to RRSPs and TSFAs, Dr. StrangeJob is proud to introduce Dr. StrangeJob’s Sweet Financial Assets (DSSFA) or Sweet FAs for short. Built on the traditional capitalist model, Sweet FAs are designed to allow you, the worker, to freely support me, the capitalist, by giving me access to your money for my personal benefit. Sure, there are potential benefits to the Sweet FA purchaser, but similar to most capitalistic endeavors, there is little or no financial danger to the Sweet FA holder. The Doctor is banking on it.

Simplistic in design, DSSFAs allow the Sweet FA bearer to spend other people’s money while carefully deferring all financial loses back to the initial investor. If this concept is hard to grasp, then do a quick review of your current stock portfolio and you will get the picture. So, how do Sweet FAs actually work? Simple, all the buyer needs to do is send Dr. StrangeJob their cash and he will take care of the rest. “But wait! What’s in it for me?” you ask. Well, here’s the pitch: for every dollar you send Dr. StrangeJob, he will GUARANTEE you a 30 cent return. That’s right, for every dollar you send the Doctor, he promises to return 30 cents (certain conditions apply).

As a special incentive for my American supporters, you are welcome to send all available cash to Dr. StrangeJob using your existing USD currency. As a special-special bonus, the Doctor will not charge the standard currency conversion costs and still guarantee the 30 cent return (CAD) on each USD dollar contributed. Now that’s a Sweet FA deal. But wait, there’s more! In addition, if you include a self-addressed pre-stamped envelope, the Doctor will send you ONE FREE Canadian penny. That’s right – an authentic Canadian penny just for your thoughts. But wait again, there’s even more! For every triple digit Sweet FA purchase, the Doctor with send you TWO FREE authentic Canadian pennies. Yes, the Doctor will give you your two cents worth. After all, making a few extra cents make good financial sense.

As a special-special special-bonus offer, with the purchase of any Sweet FA, Dr. StrangeJob announces the ONCE IN A LIFETIME GIFT of a FREE picture of a FREE tee that ONLY YOU can FREELY send to Dr. StrangeJob. All you need to do is send him a FREE tee and the rest becomes his-story. Again, certain conditions apply, but it is really as simple as sending Dr. StrangeJob a free tee. Act quickly, and the Doctor will send your FREE picture as an EXPEDITED e-mail attachment for FREE by just following these FREE INSTRUCTIONS.

What a deal – you get Sweet FA and the Doctor gets a new tee off time. Now that’s capitalism in action.

A special note to all of my Brazilian supporters. You are obviously too smart to fall for the Dr. StranmgeJob tax scam, but I thank you all for your continued support.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Non Rational Academia – The New NRA

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Something is amiss in the field of higher education. Post-secondary institutions, once the tranquil seat of knowledge, have now become festering sites of carnage. How else to explain the increase of sexual assaults, alcohol poisonings, drug overdoses, campus murders, and rampant sexism on our university and college campuses? If the goal of higher education is to teach students how to survive in the real world, then the real world is truly f#@ked.

In my day, surviving university meant that we finally graduated, but today it seems more about getting out alive. Crazier still are some of the solutions to the above issues currently being touted by university administrations. On the one hand, we have Liberty University promoting guns in dorms, and on the other hand, we have the President of Oklahoma Wesleyan University informing his “self-absorbed and narcissistic” students that a university is not a day care and that they should all grow up. So, I guess the choice is between scolding spoiled students or allowing them to shoot each other.

Not all of the blame can be put on university administration. Many of today’s students are taking the whole “coddled comfort” syndrome a bit too seriously. Take, for example, the recent decision by University of Ottawa’s student union to ban free yoga classes due to “cultural appropriation”. Also, for many students, it is no longer about the journey, but only about the destination. Simply put, it’s all about obtaining the degree with as little effort as possible. Check out BirdCourses.com, a website devoted to helping students select an institution’s easier courses based on their “birdiness” value.

Then, of course, we have the professors. I will leave that discussion for another blog, but the idea that tenure is a sacred cow that guarantees a job for life is no longer viable in today’s fiscal arena. That said, the solution is neither filling seats with students that are not academically prepared nor sacrificing quality for quantity. Some universities are forging ahead with distance based offerings, and although there may be something positive about that approach, there are also grave concerns. Take New Westminster College, for example, this particular bastion of online learning has no students, no building, and operates solely as a fellowship degree-factory that guarantees tuition costs under $1000 per course and workloads less than 40 hours per credit. If this is the future of online education, then I hope it becomes virtually non-existent.

In a perfect world, post-secondary education would build our intellectual future by ensuring classes are filled with students eager to learn. In an imperfect world, post-secondary education is solely a business venture that builds the institution’s economic future by ensuring classes are filled with students willing to pay. Economic realities suggest the solution is somewhere between these two extremes, but I fear we may have already moved too far from Plato and too close to play station.

The Doctor is not sure where the future of post-secondary education is heading, but a good start would be for universities to stop treating students like consumers, and for students to stop treating universities like Walmarts.

Dr. StrangeJob

Update: The Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) has recently reinstated their free yoga classes. Add one point to the student side of the NRA equation.

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The brown-nose nose-diving effect

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Siphoning through the reams of DIAPER Award nominations, I recalled one of my earlier posts on brown-nosing and couldn’t help but make a most nauseous connection between DIAPERS and brown-nosers. As you may recall, the art of management promotion can involve a complex process known as brown-nosing. The Doctor’s main concern with brown-nosing is that organizations tend to dismiss the long term implications of the process i.e. – brown-nosees propagate brown-nosers, which in turn perpetuates the infinite downward cycle of incompetence. First some background theory.

Brown-nosers are an inevitable part of the bureaucratic landscape. Where there are bosses, there are brown-nosers. Also, it can be argued that the more incompetent the boss, the more likely they are to hire brown-nosers. If we rate a manager’s effectiveness on a 10-point scale, with 10 reflecting the most competent and one the least competent, then managers who score nine or 10 tend to hire other nine or 10’s. That’s a good thing, but unfortunately extremely rare. On the other hand, managers that rate eight or lower on the effectiveness scale will inevitably hire employees that score even lower on the same scale. Why? Because hiring lower on the scale will ultimately allow an incompetent manager to build an empire of adoring minions that will follow them with blind allegiance. Herein lies the problem.

What happens when you remove the incompetent senior manager? When that senior manager leaves, those that remain are, by design, their less-competent lackeys who have limited, if any, experience in making competent decisions. At this point, one of two things will happen. Either the lackey underlings will be promoted up the corporate ladder, or the organization will hire an external candidate to fill the void. Promoting lackeys up the corporate ladder is a classic example of the Peter Principle in practice, resulting in promotion of existing incompetent employees to more senior management positions. If, on the other hand, the decision is to hire an external candidate, then chances are the organization will hire a candidate fleeing from a previous incompetent position, or the selection committee (existing mainly of the subordinate colleagues of the previous incompetent manager) will hire beneath the current committee’s competence level. After all, what selection committee would recommend a candidate that appears smart enough to figure out how incompetent the committee members actually are?

The process of hiring beneath one’s station, coined the brown-nose nose-diving effect by yours truly, can be seen in virtually all organizations, and the long term implications of this effect can have devastating results. Just yesterday, for example, the Doctor met a recent high school graduate/cashier who was unable to make change without the aid of a calculator. In this example, the incompetent manifestation (i.e. the inability to perform basic math) likely germinated a few generations ago when struggling math students were being educated in the “new math” by teachers that were not properly trained in mathematics. These initial students were allowed to graduate, thus becoming math teachers of the next generation, some of which will, in turn, become math teachers of the next group of “calculation challenged” math scholars. In other words – incompetence begets incompetents. And on and on it goes.

Stay tuned for the next, and presumably last, entry in Dr. StrangeJob’s Crappy Trilogy tentatively titled “The Effluent Society”.

Dr. StrangeJob

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DIAPER Awards – 2018

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This is the time of the year when we make our annual resolutions to lose weight, quit drinking, stop smoking, or pledge to some generic commitment in support of a better “self” or “humankind”. At Incompetents Anonymous (IA), we are not interested in personal grandiose resolutions, but prefer to focus on the grander goals of restitution and retribution. IA’s focus for 2018 is to seek recompense for the pain and misery inflicted on the world by incompetent bureaucrats, politicians, educators, employers, and coworkers. That’s right, we want payback. Sounds like a daunting task, but we pledge to root out and expose incompetence at the source.

Introducing the Doctor’s Incompetents Anonymous Program for Error Recognition (DIAPER) award system – because someone needs to dump on these folks. The goal of DIAPER is to make crappy organizations just a little less shitty by shining the spotlight on those whose fumes rise to the top. Unlike the Darwin Awards, whose focus is on chlorinating the gene pool, the Diaper Award focus is on fumigating the office pool. DIAPER awards may be granted locally, regionally, or globally. In fact, the Doctor is currently reviewing background documentation for what may become the first localized DIAPER award.

DIAPER submissions may be forwarded to the Doctor, care of this site, and should include appropriate supporting documentation. When in doubt, use the Jon Stewart guide for bullshit protection to determine candidate appropriateness. In other words, if you smell something – say something. Award recommendations may be made to the DIAPER category of choice. Existing categories include the WET (Wrongly Employed as Teacher) DIAPER, the BUTT (Bureaucratic Underminer and Thoroughly Thankless) DIAPER, and the PISSY (Politically Incompetent Special Service Yokel) DIAPER. New categories will be added as necessary.

DIAPER awards will be announced as soon as they are vetted by the Doctor. The exception to this rule will be for the most prestigious Diaper award. The VILE (Villainous Incompetent Lecherous Employer) DIAPER will be presented anally annually to those select few that have repeatedly proven their DIAPER value. Unlike other DIAPER categories, VILE DIAPER winners will be pooled from pre-existing DIAPER award winners. These folks will be the cream of the crap, the best of the mess, the diarrhea of the DIAPER. To be truly VILE, you must have previously been recognized with a WET, BUTT, or PISSY award.

According to Imhoff’s Law, organizations are like septic tanks because the really big chunks rise to the top. The DIAPER award will help separate the cream from the crap. In the meantime, watch out for the floaters.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Anonymous Goes to the Legion

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Dr. StrangeJob’s “Anonymous Goes to the Legion” video was unleashed simultaneously on Facebook and YouTube. This blog links to the YouTube video, so you might also see it show up on some of your other social media feeds. Actually, I just lied. In fact, if you are presented with this video more than once, then it is because Dr. StrangeJob’s new “Facebook/YouTube/Twitter Algorithm” has determined you are in need of an Incompetents Anonymous (IA) meeting.

As you can see, the first Incompetent’s Anonymous (IA) meeting did not go as planned. It appears Dr. StrangeJob needs a few more meetings and a competent sponsor. He may also be in need of rescue. What’s with that ending? Find out in an upcoming blog, but here is a hint.

A special thank you to the Michael G. MacDonald for direction, Madeline Yakimchuk & Matthew Ingraham for photography, and a very special thank you to GRYPHON media productions for edit and post.

Dr. StrangeJob

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13 F#@king Days of Christmas – Part II

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Welcome to the continuing saga of The 13 F#@king Days of Christmas. You might want to checkout Part I before continuing. If not, just assume that Part II was preceded by a fairly crappy week. We last left our protagonist on his way to purchase a hunting rifle to be used on the swans, geese, birds, hens, doves, and partridge. He was not having a great week.

Day 8: Now, this is more like it. They say a mother’s breast can sooth a savage beast, and you just sent me eight milking maids. BTW – You just saved the flying flock of frenzied feathered festive gifts of Christmas day’s past. The hell with the damn birds, I am now fixated on those milking buxom beauties. Those cups are definitely more than half full.

Day 9: Did I die and go to heaven? How else to explain the nine dancing ladies that met me at my apartment door. OMG – You actually sent me nine strippers for Christmas. I am starting to think you are no longer mad at me.

Day 10: I knew it was too good to last. When I arrived home today I was met by ten leaping lords lurching round my apartment, and the buggers were leaping and jumping all over the strippers and maids. A couple of them even jumped me when I bent down to take off my shoes. I think I need to go to the hospital. On the plus side, I believe I found the missing three rings from Day 7 and one of the hamsters. Now I know how Richard Gere felt.

Day 11: Do you have any idea how much mess eleven puking pipers can make in a small apartment? Not only that, between the pipers and the leaping lords neither the strippers nor the milf-maids have any time left for me. And Christmas is supposed to be about me me me.

Day 12: All drummers should be shot. Not only do I have twelve drummers pounding their skins, they are also banging anything that moves. The pipers have been plugged, the lords can’t lay, the ladies will not be able to walk straight for weeks, and the poor maids are milked out. Not only that, I’ve been evicted, arrested for obscenity, and tested positive for all of the major STDs. And there is still bird shit everywhere.

Day 13: On the thirteenth day of Christmas my turned love sent to me: twelve twitter hacks, eleven over drafts, ten vet bills, nine Facebook photobombs, eight calling creditors, seven harassment charges, six restraining orders, five calling lawyers, four emptied bank accounts, three detectives following, two used wedding rings, and one SIGNED DIVORCE DECREE.

Have yourself a very non-marry Christmas without me, and please don’t send any birthday gifts this year.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Note: This blog was inspired by “The 12 Days of Christmas” from The Cunning Linguist by Richard Lederer. Using movie parlance, it’s probably safer to say that this version is more of a re-visioning rather than a straight-up remake. Actually, this blog has very little in common with his version, other than the twelve gifts, but my lawyer keeps pestering me about copyright infringements, so I am just covering my butt on this one. BTW – it’s a funny book.

The 13 F#@king Days of Christmas – Part I

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First Day of Christmas: Thanks for the pear tree, although I’m not sure what I am supposed to do with a pear tree in the winter. Not only that, when I opened the parcel, a partridge flew out and crapped all over my favorite David Cassidy album.

Day 2: What’s with the turtle doves? You know I have a small apartment, and the turtle doves are not acting at all happy together with that friggin’ partridge you sent yesterday.

Day 3: Enough with the damn birds already! What the f#@k am I supposed to do with three French hens? If I could catch the little buggers I would cook them, but they are running and jumping all over the goddamn apartment making a mess everywhere. BTW – I have no idea what the hens, doves, and that damn partridge are eating, but the apartment is a mess. Not only that, I can’t find my pet hamsters anywhere.

Day 4: My head feels like it is going to explode from the racket coming from those four f#@$% calling birds. You know I suffer from migraines and that I have recently been diagnosed with ornithophobia, yet you keep sending me birds. BIRDS! BIRDS! And more damned BIRDS!

Day 5: Five gold dick rings and a sarcastic note on what I should do with them is just plain rude.

Day 6: OK, I get it. You’re pissed off over something, but sending six geese dropping eggs all over the apartment is enough already. The SPCA showed up today with a search warrant, the neighbors are complaining to the landlord about the noise, and I need to get the place fumigated. I still can’t find my hamsters, the cats have gone berserk, and I can’t get three of the five dick rings out of where you told me to shove them.

Day 7: Oh my god! I hate swans and you sent me seven of the damn things. Do you have any idea what happens when you have seven swans living in your bathroom? Three are swimming in the bathtub, two are tits up in the sink, one is bobbing in the toilet bowl, and the seventh is unaccounted for. I have had enough. I am heading out to buy a hunting rifle so I can take care of the swans, geese, birds, hens, and doves. I have special plans for that damned partridge once I find the little f##%.

So ends Part 1 of The 13 F#@king Days of Christmas. Stay tuned for Part II to discover what really happens when you put 10 leaping lords in the same room with eight milking maids.

Note: This blog was inspired by “The 12 Days of Christmas” from The Cunning Linguist by Richard Lederer. Using movie parlance, it’s probably safer to say that this version is more of a re-visioning rather than a straight-up remake. Actually, this blog has very little in common with his version, other than the twelve gifts, but my lawyer keeps pestering me about copyright infringements, so I am just covering my butt on this one. BTW – it’s a funny book.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Incompetents Anonymous: Immunity, Denial, & Self-Service

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IA Final Logo A

Astute legal advice allowed the Doctor to deal with potential libel and copyright issues, so he decided to discuss his financial concerns with a certified accountant with the goal of improving his financial outcomes. Speaking of accountants, did you ever notice that people in certain professions appear to have common personality characteristics? I have met a number of accountants in my day, and many of them appear to be a tad on the anal side. I often wonder if there are underlying personality traits that form a propensity towards a particular profession, or if the profession leads an individual to adopt specific personality characteristics. Perhaps this is a moot distinction, especially if you consider the number of politicians that were arseholes both before and after entering the profession.

Anyway, my certifiable accountant appraised the Doctor’s blogs, suggested there was a potential money maker with Incompetents Anonymous, and recommended that he “go public” with the IA movement. Apparently, there are strong financial reasons for a business to “go public”, which can include an increased access to capital, the ability to raise additional funds, and improved credibility. What a deal! If your business requires more money, then all you need to do is issue more stocks. Stock issues should not be a problem for the Doctor because he always keeps his place well stocked.

The Doctor is actually well ahead of the “go public” game as a result of his existing “public” strategy. After all, there already is a Dr. StrangeJob website, Facebook, and Twitter presence. Not to mention the fact that the Doctor has recently given his initial public offering, referred to as an IPO in accountant speak, at a local open-mic event. I mean really, how much more public would I need to be? If I have already “gone public”, then why would I need to “go public”?

Calling on his vast business experience in both industry and education, the Doctor has recognized the benefits of a highly visible brand logo combined with a strong marketing campaign. Not to be confused with his successful Incompetents Anonymous Membership Drive, the Doctor has determined the need for a more visible brand. Leaving nothing to happenstance, the Doctor presents the official Incompetents Anonymous logo, as competently designed by GRYPHON media productions.

The IA triangle borrows from the traditional Alcoholics Anonymous triangle, but rather than emphasize AA’s three-part solution to addiction (unity, recovery, and service), the IA triangle reflects the three key personality traits most often associated with an incompetent mind (denial, immunity, and self-service). The official IA logo will be the centerpiece of a new advertising campaign promoting Incompetents Anonymous to be rolled out in 2016. Stay tuned for additional details, but in the meantime, if confronted with a struggling incompetent, then just repeat IA’s Audacity Prayer in the knowledge that competence is a step away.

The Audacity Prayer: Grant me the authority to eliminate those that will not follow, the ability to terrorize those that remain, and the audacity not to care about the difference.

Dr. StrangeJob

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