Category Archives: General

StrangeJoberisms: The Unlimited Birthday Edition

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Dr. StrangeJob forced himself on the world on February 27, 2015 with the following simple, but pathetic prophetic tweet: This is what happens when the Peter Principle collides with Kurt Vonnegut and Stanley Kubrick.

Since that humble beginning, Dr. StrangeJob has spawned Incompetents Anonymous, Satirical Knights Live, Sweet FA’s, and the DIAPER Awards. As a cunning linguist, he has developed new words (example: osmosis-moron or the gradual process of becoming a moron through assimilation), reconceptualised existing words (cronyism: I bet they passed over a lot of good people to get to the ones they hire), and created his own brand of quips, especially suited for twits tweets, that he has dubbed “StrangeJoberisms”.

In recognition of his first birthday, Dr. StrangeJob presents his inaugural collection of “StrangeJoberisms: The Unlimited Birthday Edition”. You may not have asked for them, but you get them anyway.

StrangeJoberisms – Volume I

A best practice management strategy is to keep the employees that hate you away from the ones that don’t know you.

The reason why Twitter is limited to 140 characters is to prevent posts from rambling and using too many bad words or phrases such as “Go fu

It is never the person that says “we need to make tough decisions” that is about to lose their job.

I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be, anyone other than the person I am currently pretending to be.

The trickle-down theory holds that if you feed the hordes enough hoax, some will pass through to the polls for spare votes.

If you claim to be part of the solution, then you probably helped f@#k it up in the first place.

There may be no “I” in TEAM, but there is an “EAT” and a “ME”.

New hires are either yes types or sociopaths, and sociopaths only hire yes types – and so the spiral of strife begins.

CEO may be an acronym for Chief Executive Officer, but it also stands for Cynical Egotistical Opportunist.

The medium is the message – Marshall McLuhan. This message is medium – Dr. StrangeJob.

StrangeJoberisms, or the Doctor for that matter, would not have been possible without the mother behind the pundit, the father behind the misplaced pot, or his brown-nosing incompetent colleagues. Thanks to you all. Please note that first year anniversaries are a perfect time to send the Doctor a free t-shirt .

In the name of blog, of the twitterverse, and of the worldly web. – Blessing of Dr. StrangeJob

Dr. StrangeJob

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Tax season and the Sweet FA: 30 cents return on the dollar.

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It’s tax season in Canada and many of the Doctor’s trusting followers are currently debating the pros and cons of Registered Retirement Saving Plans (RRSP) versus Tax-Free Savings Accounts (TSFA). As an alternative to RRSPs and TSFAs, Dr. StrangeJob is proud to introduce Dr. StrangeJob’s Sweet Financial Assets (DSSFA) or Sweet FAs for short. Built on the traditional capitalist model, Sweet FAs are designed to allow you, the worker, to freely support me, the capitalist, by giving me access to your money for my personal benefit. Sure, there are potential benefits to the Sweet FA purchaser, but similar to most capitalistic endeavors, there is little or no financial danger to the Sweet FA holder. The Doctor is banking on it.

Simplistic in design, DSSFAs allow the Sweet FA bearer to spend other people’s money while carefully deferring all financial loses back to the initial investor. If this concept is hard to grasp, then do a quick review of your current stock portfolio and you will get the picture. So, how do Sweet FAs actually work? Simple, all the buyer needs to do is send Dr. StrangeJob their cash and he will take care of the rest. “But wait! What’s in it for me?” you ask. Well, here’s the pitch: for every dollar you send Dr. StrangeJob, he will GUARANTEE you a 30 cent return. That’s right, for every dollar you send the Doctor, he promises to return 30 cents (certain conditions apply).

As a special incentive for my American supporters, you are welcome to send all available cash to Dr. StrangeJob using your existing USD currency. As a special-special bonus, the Doctor will not charge the standard currency conversion costs and still guarantee the 30 cent return (CAD) on each USD dollar contributed. Now that’s a Sweet FA deal. But wait, there’s more! In addition, if you include a self-addressed pre-stamped envelope, the Doctor will send you ONE FREE Canadian penny. That’s right – an authentic Canadian penny just for your thoughts. But wait again, there’s even more! For every triple digit Sweet FA purchase, the Doctor with send you TWO FREE authentic Canadian pennies. Yes, the Doctor will give you your two cents worth. After all, making a few extra cents make good financial sense.

As a special-special special-bonus offer, with the purchase of any Sweet FA, Dr. StrangeJob announces the ONCE IN A LIFETIME GIFT of a FREE picture of a FREE tee that ONLY YOU can FREELY send to Dr. StrangeJob. All you need to do is send him a FREE tee and the rest becomes his-story. Again, certain conditions apply, but it is really as simple as sending Dr. StrangeJob a free tee. Act quickly, and the Doctor will send your FREE picture as an EXPEDITED e-mail attachment for FREE by just following these FREE INSTRUCTIONS.

What a deal – you get Sweet FA and the Doctor gets a new tee off time. Now that’s capitalism in action.

A special note to all of my Brazilian supporters. You are obviously too smart to fall for the Dr. StranmgeJob tax scam, but I thank you all for your continued support.

Dr. StrangeJob

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The brown-nose nose-diving effect

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Siphoning through the reams of DIAPER Award nominations, I recalled one of my earlier posts on brown-nosing and couldn’t help but make a most nauseous connection between DIAPERS and brown-nosers. As you may recall, the art of management promotion can involve a complex process known as brown-nosing. The Doctor’s main concern with brown-nosing is that organizations tend to dismiss the long term implications of the process i.e. – brown-nosees propagate brown-nosers, which in turn perpetuates the infinite downward cycle of incompetence. First some background theory.

Brown-nosers are an inevitable part of the bureaucratic landscape. Where there are bosses, there are brown-nosers. Also, it can be argued that the more incompetent the boss, the more likely they are to hire brown-nosers. If we rate a manager’s effectiveness on a 10-point scale, with 10 reflecting the most competent and one the least competent, then managers who score nine or 10 tend to hire other nine or 10’s. That’s a good thing, but unfortunately extremely rare. On the other hand, managers that rate eight or lower on the effectiveness scale will inevitably hire employees that score even lower on the same scale. Why? Because hiring lower on the scale will ultimately allow an incompetent manager to build an empire of adoring minions that will follow them with blind allegiance. Herein lies the problem.

What happens when you remove the incompetent senior manager? When that senior manager leaves, those that remain are, by design, their less-competent lackeys who have limited, if any, experience in making competent decisions. At this point, one of two things will happen. Either the lackey underlings will be promoted up the corporate ladder, or the organization will hire an external candidate to fill the void. Promoting lackeys up the corporate ladder is a classic example of the Peter Principle in practice, resulting in promotion of existing incompetent employees to more senior management positions. If, on the other hand, the decision is to hire an external candidate, then chances are the organization will hire a candidate fleeing from a previous incompetent position, or the selection committee (existing mainly of the subordinate colleagues of the previous incompetent manager) will hire beneath the current committee’s competence level. After all, what selection committee would recommend a candidate that appears smart enough to figure out how incompetent the committee members actually are?

The process of hiring beneath one’s station, coined the brown-nose nose-diving effect by yours truly, can be seen in virtually all organizations, and the long term implications of this effect can have devastating results. Just yesterday, for example, the Doctor met a recent high school graduate/cashier who was unable to make change without the aid of a calculator. In this example, the incompetent manifestation (i.e. the inability to perform basic math) likely germinated a few generations ago when struggling math students were being educated in the “new math” by teachers that were not properly trained in mathematics. These initial students were allowed to graduate, thus becoming math teachers of the next generation, some of which will, in turn, become math teachers of the next group of “calculation challenged” math scholars. In other words – incompetence begets incompetents. And on and on it goes.

Stay tuned for the next, and presumably last, entry in Dr. StrangeJob’s Crappy Trilogy tentatively titled “The Effluent Society”.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Disclaimer: Libel or Naught

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After the Greed is Good Fiasco, the Doctor thought it wise to seek legal counsel. Fortunately, there is hope that he may regain legal rights to the Dr. StrangeJob brand, but more on that in a later post. Unfortunately, legal counsel raised a legitimate concern that some of the Doctor’s blog posts may leave him open to defamation suits. The Doctor was strongly advised to incorporate a “Disclaimer” clause on his website. Luckily, the Doctor has the law on his side.

In order to constitute defamation, the offending claim must be both false and be made to someone other than the person defamed. The key here is that the claim must be false. In other words, if someone believes one of the Doctor’s blogs makes them appear to be an asshole, then it is their legal right to sue. However, if they are, in fact, an asshole, then they will lose the case. Lucky me.

The Doctor is provided further protection from libel because his works are satirical in nature, rather than mere opinion pieces. Defamation is a lie disguised as truth, but satire is a humorous skewering of a cultural or political event – regardless of whether or not you agree with the viewpoint. The Doctor’s goal is to verify that the Peter Principle is alive and well, not to vilify those who have succumbed to its follies. As the old saying goes – even the most useless person can serve as a bad example.

So, here is my disclaimer – may it forever serve to protect the good Doctor from defamation and libel.

Disclaimer

All past, present, and future posts are a satirical account of fictionalized events suggested by the life and times of Dr.StrangeJob. The fictionalized characters and incidents are not intended to refer to actual persons or events, and any similarity is unintentional and entirely coincidental. If you believe this, then please buy a copy of the book “Dr. StrangeJob: Or How I learned to Stop Raging and Embrace the Bull” for all of your friends when it is published. They may see some of themselves in between the lines and have a good chuckle. If, on the other hand, you take offence to any characterizations in the manuscript, or believe the author may be referencing you in an unfair or derogatory manner, then I suggest you follow the advice of Wilbur Swain from the novel Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. –  “Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don’t you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?”

And so it goes …..

Dr. StrangeJob

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Exorcist: Parental Guidance Not-Advised

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The Exorcist opened on December 26, 1973 to mixed reviews, but is now considered a horror classic. Adjusted for inflation, the film is the top grossing R-rated film of all time. Personally, I would class it as the top grossest film of all time – think pea soup, crucifix masturbation, lick me, and what your mother does in hell.

I was not of legal age to see the movie when it was released, so I was somewhat surprised when my mother asked if I wanted to see the film with her. Our relationship was still strained from that whole misplaced stash of marijuana incident, so I agreed to go for the sake of mother-to-son bonding. Because I was underage, my mother was required to confirm that she was my legal guardian before I was allowed into the theatre. For some reason, the ticket clerk was not buying the fact that my mother was my legal guardian. To be fair to the ticket clerk, it was probably the first time my mother was required to publically claim ownership of her son, so the look on my mother’s face may have been misinterpreted as someone weighing their options.

We waited for the lights to come up before leaving the theatre and we were silent on the drive home. Three days later at breakfast, my mother asked if I was feeling OK because I looked a bit haggard. I admitted that I had not slept well since we saw the movie and that I was having extreme nightmares. She gave me one of her motherly scowls and replied “me too”. The movie scared the crap out of the both of us, but perhaps for different reasons.

I learned much later that my mother was a bit of a witch. Apparently, my mother read fortunes and had the ability to talk to the dead. Seriously. She was also able to sense when one of her loved ones was in turmoil. My grandmother had a similar gift and I guess her psychic abilities were passed on to my mother. Truth be told, I had a few “otherworldly” experiences when I was a young boy, but I shut it all down after being spooked by a visit from my dead grandfather.

I watch The Exorcist every Halloween and every Halloween it has the same terrifying effect on me; however, I still enjoy Halloween because it precedes my birthday celebrations. I was born on November 1 or All Saints Day. When my mother was alive we would have the same discussion every year on my birthday. It would always start by me telling her I was such a good kid because I was born on All Saints Day. It would always end by her telling me that I was a prolonged labor and that I was actually born a day late. I was also a breach birth, which I thought explained why I tend to see things from a different perspective, but perhaps my mother passed something on to me other than a sense of humor.

Refer to the Doctor’s blog “Bill Gates: The Number of the Beast” for more Halloween chatter.  Otherwise, Happy Halloween and All Saints Day.

The Tao of Dr. StrangeJob COMPELLS you. The Tao of Dr. StrangeJob COMPELLS you. The Tao of ……….

Dr. StrangeJob

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Geezers and Strategists Party or Canada’s Last GASP of Hope

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The ongoing Federal election has been tough on candidates with an increasing number of nominees being forced to resign for peeing in cups, making obscene phone calls, and non-party sanctioned pot comments. What does all of this say about the quality of Canadian politicians, and, more importantly, how can Dr. StrangeJob benefit from these escapades?

Dr. StrangeJob declares himself a free agent willing to fill one of the recent candidate vacancies. Why support Dr. StrangeJob? First, the Doctor’s hair is not all that pretty. In fact, he appears to have less and less of it each day. This will prevent detractors from focusing on incidentals and force attention to the real issues of governance.

Second, the Doctor’s wild and wicked years were pre-internet, so he has no embarrassing digital footprint to worry about. The skeletons in the Doctor’s closed are either well buried or are already dancing.

Third, the Doctor pledges not to join any of the existing parties (at least not the PC party), because party membership often requires loyalty to partisan policy or dictated agendas. The Doctor’s goal is to whip the country into shape, rather than be whipped into obedience by some whipper-snipper career-politician or draconian leader.

However, the most important reason to support Dr. StrangeJob is because he is a member of the pre-geezer class. The Doctor will have strong appeal to the preeminent geezer demographic so eloquently described by Margaret Atwood in her recent National Post column. In support of this, note that Dr. Strangejob’s Facebook support base is 65% pre-geezer or geezer age, along with an astounding 88% female base (even without the nice hair).

Perhaps we need to force a change, and perhaps our existing politically-entrenched self-seeking leaders need to be replaced by a more senior and strategic group of worldly Canadians. Let’s take a lesson from our forefathers and First Nation cultures and seek out the truly wise and strategic elders for support and direction.

I am calling on all Canadians to stand behind the new Geezers and Strategists Party (GASP). Let’s not make Election 2015 the last gasp of a dying democracy. Instead, let’s make Election 2015 the first GASP towards a true democracy. We need to do this soon, because many of the geezers may not make it to the next election, or even worse, Dr. StrangeJob may not have time to earn a full parliamentary pension.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Obscure Nevermore

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Trolling through the quagmire of fan favorite postings on the Dr. StrangeJob site, the Doctor encountered a most troubling comment relating to his use of “obscure” references. Obscure! That will simply not do. Obscure does not sell books, and what a vague, opaque, ambiguous, unintelligible and arcane comment. This needed to be addressed, so I immediately contacted Professor Irwin Corey, otherwise known as the World’s Foremost Authority.

Obviously, in seeking guidance from the World’s Foremost Authority, the Doctor would glean the answer to his soul-searching question: Why does the Doctor use obscure references? Actually, that’s a two-part question. The first part of the two-part question is “Why”. To be clear, the answer to “Why” is rather complex and likely beyond the technical constraints inherent in a typical blog posting, or, for that matter, beyond the limitations imposed on the mind of the average blog writer. This is not to say there are no definitive answers to that most befuddling question. In fact, the most non-obscure answer to “Why” can be found in Mark Kurlansky’s seminal book entitled What? However, if Kurlansky’s answer is too esoteric, then perhaps the world’s newest foremost authority, Wikipedia, can enlighten the reader to the meaning of why.

What was the question again?

The second part of the two-part question is, “Does the Doctor use obscure references?” The answer to this part of the question is a no-brainer: Yes, the Doctor does use obscure references. However, the intent was always to use more less-obscure references and less more-obscure obscure references – the “I can look it up if I really give a shit” type of obscure reference, as compared to the WTF kind of obscure reference – more or less.

On second thought, perhaps the Doctor does not use obscure references. Take this blog entry for example. The Doctor references the World’s Foremost Authority, a book, Youtube, and Wikipedia. Not to mention ending with a poem that makes reference to a world famous author.

Incidentally, Professor Irwin Cory celebrated his 101 birthday on July 29, 2015. Happy belated birthday. Check here for his lecture on Why.

The Raving
Poe poe pitiful me,
raving raving for evermore,
tis just a wind bag,
only obscure and nothing more.

‘Nevermore’ quoth the Doctor,
obscure he shall quote no more,
raving raving for nevermore,
quoth the Doctor ‘Nevermore’.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Greenbacks and Sham: Dr. Seuss and the Pepper Cat

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The good news for Dr. Seuss fans is that he has just published a new book. The bad news for Dr. Seuss is that he has been dead since 1991, and, as such, was unable to provide editorial approval of the new manuscript – not to mention negotiate appropriate royalties. Dr. Seuss is neither the first, nor last, to be published posthumously; however, this recent trend of posthumous publications has become a controversial topic in the literary world. Some argue that the publication of exhumed manuscripts is nothing more than a money grab, while others see such publications as the divine right of the reading public. There are arguments for and against posthumous publications, but they all depend on which side of the royalty fence you pay your rent.

The Doctor knows which side of the royalty fence he sits on, and he fully appreciates the magnitude of the devastating loss should his literary exploits become suddenly extinct. Although he would prefer to achieve immortality by not dying, he is cognizant that this is somewhat unlikely. That said, he is currently reviewing the original-text edition of Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein, published 158 years after her death, hoping to unearth the secret of longevity. His goal is to make it past 100 years of age because statistically speaking very few people die past 100 years of age.

The Doctor is compelled to elucidate his final wishes on this issue. In so doing, he will safeguard his legacy in the annals of the literary world, rather than becoming a mere footnote in the anals of satirical literature. Dr. StrangeJob therefore grants complete control of all his literary works to Pepper, the only other sentient being that truly understands his work. The Doctor has complete faith in Pepper. She, and she alone, will control the fate of all of the Doctor’s posthumous publications. If she determines any of the Doctor’s work is crap, then she is welcome to use it in her litterbox and be the first to shit on it. If, on the other hand, she sees the inherent purr-fection in the material, causing her to paws in wonder, then she is welcome to exploit it to its full potential.

The Doctor has also taken precautions to safeguard his existing volumes of work, and he will continue to store all subsequent material on a thumb drive that will be bequeathed to Pepper. In essence, Pepper will be Dr. StrangeJob’s “Cat with the .Dat”.

I may have limited control over my posthumous publications, but I pledge not to publish post-humorously, at least not before my rent is due.

I do like greenbacks with no shame,
but no sham I am.
I do not like sham.
Sham-less I am.

Check here for the definitive reading of the Dr. Seuss classic Green Eggs and Ham.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Catch 22: The Peter Principle in Practice

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The Peter Principle: In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.

The Peter Principle was first published in 1969 by Dr. Lawrence J. Peter and Raymond Hull. Apparently, it has really caught on since then.

The classic example of the Peter Principle can be found in the field of education; take, for example, the competent teacher whose lack of administrative skills become painfully evident after she or he is promoted to principal. If the promotion causes significant disruption in the workplace, then the principal is either promoted to district manager, or remains in a state of incompetent stagnation until retirement. Simply put, given any hierarchy, all employees tend to rise to their level of incompetence.

The Peter Principle does not discriminate against race, age, sex, or political party (OK, maybe by political affiliation). Look to any hierarchical organization in which you belong to witness the Peter Principle in practice. Gaze down the organizational ladder and you will see competent employees in search of a promotion, or incompetent employees likely to receive a promotion. Gaze upwards on the organizational ladder and you will find incompetent employees in search of a golden handshake, or competent ones about to be downsized. Gaze in the mirror to determine your own competence level, but do not be fooled by what you see.

If you cannot evaluate your own competence level, then you may have already reached your level of incompetence within that particular hierarchical structure. However, if you can determine your competence level, then there still may be hope for you – unless, of course, you are incompetent at judging competence.

It’s a Catch 22. If you can see incompetence within the hierarchy, then you may not have reached your level of incompetence. If, on the other hand, you cannot see incompetence, then you are likely already there. In other words, you are either in on the joke of Dr. StrangeJob, or you are a part of the joke of Dr. StrangeJob. If you are in on the joke, then tag along for the ride. If you are a part of the joke, then you probably stopped reading and are likely beyond redemption.

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Joint Custody: A misplaced stash of marijuana and a complex father

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Dr. StrangeJob went to high school in the mid-seventies. Coincidently, that was the same time that marijuana became the recreational drug of choice for many in his age group. To suggest that the Doctor was a pothead would be a tenuous overstatement, but he does concede there were a number of purple haze high-school daze not totally accounted for. Yes, he inhaled.

Arriving home from school one day, he was confronted by his mother in an extreme state of agitation, waving a baggie of pot that she found in the laundry basket. To be fair, she may have been quite calm at the time. To be honest, since the Doctor was slightly buzzed, what he saw was more like the Tasmanian devil on crack gesticulating a baggie full of weed and pointing accusatorily.

He told her that it was not his pot, but to no avail. They decided to wait until his father arrived home from work to continue the conversation, but she assured the Doctor that there would be hell to pay.

The Doctor’s father was a welder at the local steel plant. He put in a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay, so he was both tired and startled when met at the door by his wife still waving the baggie of marijuana. His father was always quick on his feet, but the side-glance he gave to his son was most telling. Two things became abundantly clear: First, it was the father’s weed that was found in the laundry. Second, the father was about to be in bigger shit with his wife than his son could ever possibly be with his mother. The look on his face said it all, but what happened next surprised father, mother, and son.

The young Doctor, in an Oscar worthy performance, admitted the pot was his and took full responsibility for his actions. The father, in another Oscar worthy performance, provided a sternly worded sermon on the ills of drug use whilst handing out punishment that appeased his wife, but not overly chastised the son.

The father took the son aside a few days later and provided him with a learning script that he follows to this day: If you are being thrown out of town, then get in front and make it look like a parade in your honor. The Doctor was grounded for two weeks. The father, on the other hand, had to flush his weed down the toilet.

Happy Father’s Day. I am not sure where you are, but here’s hoping that you are happy and high.

Watch my standup version of this routine from 2016.

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