Author Archives: Dr. StrangeJob

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About Dr. StrangeJob

If you want to know what happens when the Peter Principle collides with Kurt Vonnegut and Stanley Kubrick then you found the right place.

Disclaimer: Libel or Naught

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After the Greed is Good Fiasco, the Doctor thought it wise to seek legal counsel. Fortunately, there is hope that he may regain legal rights to the Dr. StrangeJob brand, but more on that in a later post. Unfortunately, legal counsel raised a legitimate concern that some of the Doctor’s blog posts may leave him open to defamation suits. The Doctor was strongly advised to incorporate a “Disclaimer” clause on his website. Luckily, the Doctor has the law on his side.

In order to constitute defamation, the offending claim must be both false and be made to someone other than the person defamed. The key here is that the claim must be false. In other words, if someone believes one of the Doctor’s blogs makes them appear to be an asshole, then it is their legal right to sue. However, if they are, in fact, an asshole, then they will lose the case. Lucky me.

The Doctor is provided further protection from libel because his works are satirical in nature, rather than mere opinion pieces. Defamation is a lie disguised as truth, but satire is a humorous skewering of a cultural or political event – regardless of whether or not you agree with the viewpoint. The Doctor’s goal is to verify that the Peter Principle is alive and well, not to vilify those who have succumbed to its follies. As the old saying goes – even the most useless person can serve as a bad example.

So, here is my disclaimer – may it forever serve to protect the good Doctor from defamation and libel.

Disclaimer

All past, present, and future posts are a satirical account of fictionalized events suggested by the life and times of Dr.StrangeJob. The fictionalized characters and incidents are not intended to refer to actual persons or events, and any similarity is unintentional and entirely coincidental. If you believe this, then please buy a copy of the book “Dr. StrangeJob: Or How I learned to Stop Raging and Embrace the Bull” for all of your friends when it is published. They may see some of themselves in between the lines and have a good chuckle. If, on the other hand, you take offence to any characterizations in the manuscript, or believe the author may be referencing you in an unfair or derogatory manner, then I suggest you follow the advice of Wilbur Swain from the novel Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. –  “Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don’t you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?”

And so it goes …..

Dr. StrangeJob

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Exorcist: Parental Guidance Not-Advised

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The Exorcist opened on December 26, 1973 to mixed reviews, but is now considered a horror classic. Adjusted for inflation, the film is the top grossing R-rated film of all time. Personally, I would class it as the top grossest film of all time – think pea soup, crucifix masturbation, lick me, and what your mother does in hell.

I was not of legal age to see the movie when it was released, so I was somewhat surprised when my mother asked if I wanted to see the film with her. Our relationship was still strained from that whole misplaced stash of marijuana incident, so I agreed to go for the sake of mother-to-son bonding. Because I was underage, my mother was required to confirm that she was my legal guardian before I was allowed into the theatre. For some reason, the ticket clerk was not buying the fact that my mother was my legal guardian. To be fair to the ticket clerk, it was probably the first time my mother was required to publically claim ownership of her son, so the look on my mother’s face may have been misinterpreted as someone weighing their options.

We waited for the lights to come up before leaving the theatre and we were silent on the drive home. Three days later at breakfast, my mother asked if I was feeling OK because I looked a bit haggard. I admitted that I had not slept well since we saw the movie and that I was having extreme nightmares. She gave me one of her motherly scowls and replied “me too”. The movie scared the crap out of the both of us, but perhaps for different reasons.

I learned much later that my mother was a bit of a witch. Apparently, my mother read fortunes and had the ability to talk to the dead. Seriously. She was also able to sense when one of her loved ones was in turmoil. My grandmother had a similar gift and I guess her psychic abilities were passed on to my mother. Truth be told, I had a few “otherworldly” experiences when I was a young boy, but I shut it all down after being spooked by a visit from my dead grandfather.

I watch The Exorcist every Halloween and every Halloween it has the same terrifying effect on me; however, I still enjoy Halloween because it precedes my birthday celebrations. I was born on November 1 or All Saints Day. When my mother was alive we would have the same discussion every year on my birthday. It would always start by me telling her I was such a good kid because I was born on All Saints Day. It would always end by her telling me that I was a prolonged labor and that I was actually born a day late. I was also a breach birth, which I thought explained why I tend to see things from a different perspective, but perhaps my mother passed something on to me other than a sense of humor.

Refer to the Doctor’s blog “Bill Gates: The Number of the Beast” for more Halloween chatter.  Otherwise, Happy Halloween and All Saints Day.

The Tao of Dr. StrangeJob COMPELLS you. The Tao of Dr. StrangeJob COMPELLS you. The Tao of ……….

Dr. StrangeJob

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Satirical Knights Live: Greed is Good

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After the traumatic results of the previous Satirical Knights Live episodes, the Doctor decided to judiciously pre-screen all future SKL interviewees. The new strategy was fairly simple: send out polite emails to prospective candidates explaining the cultural significance of SKL while soliciting their participation. The first response to the open cast call was none other than Gordon Gekko, the world’s most famous corporate raider and stock market manipulator of Wall Street fame.

The Doctor was initially ecstatic to hear from Gordon, assuming his endorsement would be worth its weight in gold – after all, the man’s words are cast in stone. Unfortunately, all did not go as anticipated as is evident from his response posted below.

Dear Dr. StrangeJob,

OK sport, you got my attention. You have what it takes to get into my inbox, but do you have enough to stay? I did a quick review of your portfolio and, to be honest, it is crap. Your website is mundane, your Facebook page is stagnant, and your Twitter feed is practically non-existent. Frankly, you suck. However, there is one piece of your portfolio that could be a serious money-maker. The 12+1 Steps of Incompetents Anonymous scheme has potential to be worth millions in royalty and franchise fees.

I look at a hundred deals a day and pick one. I pick only winners, and today is your day. Unfortunately for you, it appears that you have neglected to legally register the Dr. StrangeJob name, website, domain name, and Twitter feed. Fortunately for me, my legal team recently acquired all legal rights to Dr. StrangeJob and all of its derivatives, including Satirical Knights Live and Incompetents Anonymous. My lawyers will be contacting you within 48 hours. They will be forwarding legal documents outlining our formal takeover of the Dr. StrangeJob brand. If you choose not to sign the agreement, then you will be served a cease and desist order.

One more thing. Stop confusing me with that DaCrapio kid that fancies himself a wolf of wall street. He still has a lot of growing pains to get through before he can order a Greco, let alone a Gekko.

Sincerely,

Gord

Ouch! It’s starting to look like there’s some sort of curse on the Doctor’s SKL series. First he pissed off the Dude, then he was threatened by the Psychotic Forrest Ranger, and now he is being sued by Gordon Gekko. Maybe it’s all about the bucks. The point is that greed, for lack of a better word, seems to work for many. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that 1% of the world’s population own half of the world’s wealth. The Doctor will need to pull a Charlie Sheen to get out of this one, but defeat is not an option. It might take some tiger blood to make a winner out of the Doctor, but until then, funny never sleeps.

Dr. StrangeJob

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The Mosaic Melting Pot or Rail Begone

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The daily news is a constant reminder that our world is full of hatred, prejudice, intolerance, and injustice. To cope, Dr. StrangeJob was compelled to seek solace in his humble beginnings. In the beginning … Dr. StrangeJob was born a poor white jerk-boy on the wrong side of Steve Martin Boulevard.

The Doctor grew up in a small steel-mill town that, to all appearances, was the Norman Rockwell equivalent of the great Canadian Mosaic. Immigrants seeking employment at the local steel plant settled within small subsections of a segregated area known as the Pier. Polish, Italian, Ukrainian, African, and other immigrant groups created their own little havens. The groups kept to themselves and the Pier was isolated from the rest of the town by an underpass etched beneath a train trestle. The well-to-do citizens, or townies, lived on the non-Pier side of the railroads tracks. Stephen Harper would have referred to townies as potential supporters or “old stock” Canadians, but those from the Pier referred to townies as either rich or Sir.

To all appearances, the Canadian Mosaic was a perfect portrait of the positives of cultural diversity and the benefits of shared learning experiences. For the Doctor, this picture of tranquility was shattered in 1969 when he started junior high school. There were two adjacent junior high schools in the Pier. One school was attended by mostly Caucasian Catholic students, while the other was attended by mostly non-Caucasian Protestant students. The students from the two schools fought constantly, so much so that the school administration was forced to alternate school hours, recess times, and lunch breaks. The great Canadian Mosaic was more like a melting pot starting to boil over.

Thank goodness for progress. Forty-five years later, the underpass is now an overpass, the steel mill is now a green space, bootleggers are now drug dealers, and historical buildings are now attractions for cruise ship tourists. Many of the original company homes have been torn down, but some have been refurbished and rented to temporary foreign workers currently employed in coffee shops, hamburger joints, and chain department stores. So much has changed, yet so little is different.

But not all is black and white. The foreign-owned railroad company has recently suspended the local rail service and will likely apply for abandonment next spring. Many see the railway abandonment as an impediment to progress, but the Doctor sees the removal of the tracks as a necessary crack in the Mosaic wall. If there are no tracks, then there will be no arbitrary line to determine which side you are on. As Canadian icon Leonard Cohen states, “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in”.  Imagine that.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Agent 86: KAOS and Canadian Politics

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The 60’s TV show Get Smart pitted Agent 86 of CONTROL against the nefarious KAOS organization. Agent 86 was perhaps the most incompetent secret agent of all time, but he somehow managed to save the day with the aid of his most competent female partner Agent 99.

What is the significance of the number 86 in Canadian politics?  Would you believe that in the year 1900, plus 86, Canada received the United Nations award for sheltering refugees and, in the same year, sanctioned South Africa for their apartheid policies?  Would you also believe that Shirley Carr became the first women president of the Canadian Labour Congress in 1986?

But if only Canada had used 1986 for good rather than chaos. Would you believe that in 1986 the Canadian dollar hit an all-time low of 70.2 U.S. cents on international money markets?  Would you also believe that negotiations began in 1986 on what would eventually become the Canada-United States Free Trade Agreement.  What if I also told you that Stephen Harper became disillusioned with federal politics in 1986, resulting in the formation of the Reform Party of Canada?

Fast forward 29 years to 2015. What if I told you that Canada’s 86 richest people currently own more wealth than Canada’s 11.4 million poorest citizens?  Meanwhile, politicians ply us with promises to save the middle class when they can’t even agree on who the middle class is. Senators are being suspended left, right, and center but none of them are willing to rock the trough. Billion dollar trade and arms deals are being negotiated under a cone of silence, and gullible voters appear to be falling for the old “vote for me” trick once again.

So here we are 29 years later in the midst of Canada’s 42nd election arguing about niqabs while a $15 Billion arms deal with Saudi Arabia is being muzzled. Guess what 29 + 42 + 15 equals?  Would you believe 86?  Would you also believe that the number 86 is synonymous with being fired, cut, or cancelled.  Canadians need to get smart, keep control, and eliminate chaos on October 19. If Canada wakes up on October 20 with the same government, then I will remind you that I asked you not to tell me that.

Get Smart Trivia:  Urban legend has it that Agent 99 was initially called Agent 69, but the censors thought it was too risqué. I guess the creators were ahead of their time, but I certainly hope Canadian voters don’t blow it on Election Day. Otherwise, Dr. StrangeJob will be truly sorry about that grief.

Dr. StrangeJob

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The Archives: New Element Administratium

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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major Canadian research university. The element, tentatively called administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic number of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best managed buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1996.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Geezers and Strategists Party or Canada’s Last GASP of Hope

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The ongoing Federal election has been tough on candidates with an increasing number of nominees being forced to resign for peeing in cups, making obscene phone calls, and non-party sanctioned pot comments. What does all of this say about the quality of Canadian politicians, and, more importantly, how can Dr. StrangeJob benefit from these escapades?

Dr. StrangeJob declares himself a free agent willing to fill one of the recent candidate vacancies. Why support Dr. StrangeJob? First, the Doctor’s hair is not all that pretty. In fact, he appears to have less and less of it each day. This will prevent detractors from focusing on incidentals and force attention to the real issues of governance.

Second, the Doctor’s wild and wicked years were pre-internet, so he has no embarrassing digital footprint to worry about. The skeletons in the Doctor’s closed are either well buried or are already dancing.

Third, the Doctor pledges not to join any of the existing parties (at least not the PC party), because party membership often requires loyalty to partisan policy or dictated agendas. The Doctor’s goal is to whip the country into shape, rather than be whipped into obedience by some whipper-snipper career-politician or draconian leader.

However, the most important reason to support Dr. StrangeJob is because he is a member of the pre-geezer class. The Doctor will have strong appeal to the preeminent geezer demographic so eloquently described by Margaret Atwood in her recent National Post column. In support of this, note that Dr. Strangejob’s Facebook support base is 65% pre-geezer or geezer age, along with an astounding 88% female base (even without the nice hair).

Perhaps we need to force a change, and perhaps our existing politically-entrenched self-seeking leaders need to be replaced by a more senior and strategic group of worldly Canadians. Let’s take a lesson from our forefathers and First Nation cultures and seek out the truly wise and strategic elders for support and direction.

I am calling on all Canadians to stand behind the new Geezers and Strategists Party (GASP). Let’s not make Election 2015 the last gasp of a dying democracy. Instead, let’s make Election 2015 the first GASP towards a true democracy. We need to do this soon, because many of the geezers may not make it to the next election, or even worse, Dr. StrangeJob may not have time to earn a full parliamentary pension.

Dr. StrangeJob

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Incompetents Anonymous (IA) – Membership Drive

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Public support for Incompetents Anonymous, along with the corresponding Audacity Prayer and 12+1 Steps, has been nothing short of phenomenal. Uptake in the IA support-related groups of IA-Anon, Alatweet, and ACOI (Alcoholic Colleagues of Incompetents) has exceeded expectations. Of major concern, however, is the low intake rate to the core IA group. To be frank, the IA movement is simply not resonating with the true incompetents of the world.

The issue with most high-end incompetents is that they have already been “led” to the public troth and have been drinking heartedly from it for years (the Canadian Senate scandal comes to mind). Incompetents have no concept of “hitting bottom” because most are well situated on the corporate ladder and are oblivious to the devastating effect they are having on the workplace.

IA has decided to tackle this problem head-on and plans to target some of the most obvious infestation areas. The goal is to entice incompetents to attend an initial IA meeting with the hope that what they hear at the meeting encourages them to keep coming back. In preparation, Dr. StrangeJob conducted stakeholder interviews, various focus groups, and even went undercover in a management position for a bird’s eye view of the problem. As a result, IA is proud to introduce Phase 1 of our membership drive.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that incompetents love to collect points, whether it be for air miles, free meals, or happy-hour vouchers. Therefore, Phase I of the membership drive utilizes a simple point system awarded for IA meeting attendance. The more meetings you attend, the more points you accumulate. As an introductory offer, IA has developed a series of special incentive bonus point options for selected target groups.

  1. Senior managers receive triple points and may claim travel costs to international IA meetings.
  2. Unionized employees receive double points for evening meetings and triple points for weekend and holiday meetings.
  3. University faculty may claim IA attendance as part of their research requirement and receive double points for meetings attended outside the normal semester schedule.
  4. Students receive a “get out of class” certificate for each meeting attended.
  5. Government employees receive double points for attending meetings that were preapproved by their supervisors, and triple points if they bring their supervisor with them.*

IA will continue to develop new special offers and welcomes any suggestions that you may have. In the meantime, stay tuned for an exciting announcement on Phase II of our membership drive. In Phase II, we introduce the Frequent Underminer (FU) card. The FU card is similar in concept to air miles and will allow incompetents to trade and redeem IA points. If you are a true incompetent then you will want to rack up as many FU points as possible.

Dr. StrangeJob

* The careful reader may note that there is no special incentive for politicians. Politicians continue to demonstrate that they are beyond redemption.

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The Archives: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)

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To: All Employees

From: Management

In order to ensure we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add you to our BASIS UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF TRAINING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank You

Boss in General

Special High Intensity Training

(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

P.S. With the personality some of you display around here you could easily become the DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.P.)

P.S to the P.S. Refer to Retire Rage Personnel Early (R.A.P.E.) for additional corporate restructuring policies.

Dr. StrangeJob

Source: From the Work Shit Files file circa 1989.

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Obscure Nevermore

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Trolling through the quagmire of fan favorite postings on the Dr. StrangeJob site, the Doctor encountered a most troubling comment relating to his use of “obscure” references. Obscure! That will simply not do. Obscure does not sell books, and what a vague, opaque, ambiguous, unintelligible and arcane comment. This needed to be addressed, so I immediately contacted Professor Irwin Corey, otherwise known as the World’s Foremost Authority.

Obviously, in seeking guidance from the World’s Foremost Authority, the Doctor would glean the answer to his soul-searching question: Why does the Doctor use obscure references? Actually, that’s a two-part question. The first part of the two-part question is “Why”. To be clear, the answer to “Why” is rather complex and likely beyond the technical constraints inherent in a typical blog posting, or, for that matter, beyond the limitations imposed on the mind of the average blog writer. This is not to say there are no definitive answers to that most befuddling question. In fact, the most non-obscure answer to “Why” can be found in Mark Kurlansky’s seminal book entitled What? However, if Kurlansky’s answer is too esoteric, then perhaps the world’s newest foremost authority, Wikipedia, can enlighten the reader to the meaning of why.

What was the question again?

The second part of the two-part question is, “Does the Doctor use obscure references?” The answer to this part of the question is a no-brainer: Yes, the Doctor does use obscure references. However, the intent was always to use more less-obscure references and less more-obscure obscure references – the “I can look it up if I really give a shit” type of obscure reference, as compared to the WTF kind of obscure reference – more or less.

On second thought, perhaps the Doctor does not use obscure references. Take this blog entry for example. The Doctor references the World’s Foremost Authority, a book, Youtube, and Wikipedia. Not to mention ending with a poem that makes reference to a world famous author.

Incidentally, Professor Irwin Cory celebrated his 101 birthday on July 29, 2015. Happy belated birthday. Check here for his lecture on Why.

The Raving
Poe poe pitiful me,
raving raving for evermore,
tis just a wind bag,
only obscure and nothing more.

‘Nevermore’ quoth the Doctor,
obscure he shall quote no more,
raving raving for nevermore,
quoth the Doctor ‘Nevermore’.

Dr. StrangeJob

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